Mark Conner's Space

Known by our Love

Jesus’ dream was that his followers would be known by their love (Jn.13:34-35). Think of all the various qualities Jesus could have told us to be known for – truth, justice, holiness, or righteousness. All of these are very important, yet Jesus’ desire was that LOVE be the mark, measure and goal for his new community – the church.

The apostle Paul picked up on this priority of love from Jesus. In a letter to church at Corinth he addressed various groups within the church that had developed a variety of priorities and pursuits (1 Cor.13:1-3). To those pursuing more spiritual experience, he said, “If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.” To those pursuing more knowledge, he said, “If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge … but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.” To those pursuing more power he said, “If I had such faith that I could move mountains but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.” To those pursuing acts of heroism he said, “If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.” As interesting and as noble as these pursuits may be, Paul was concerned that secondary things had become of primary importance. His shock statements were intended to knock them out of their complacency in order to bring everything back into proper perspective. The core of the Christian life is LOVE. This is what matters most. We all need to be reminded of this every once in a while.

I Want to Know What Love Is

Love is such a misunderstood word and concept today. It can mean anything from friendship to romance to sex. Jesus came to demonstrate a love of another kind – a love that caused him to be willing to lay his life down for us (Jn.15:12-13). It was a self-giving, sacrificial love ... all for the benefit of others. It was a love unparalleled in the world.

In the letter to the Corinthian church mentioned above, Paul paints of portrait of the kind of love God wants us to be known for (1 Cor.13:4-7). This love is patient and kind. It is not jealous or envious of others. It is not boastful or proud. It is not rude or always demanding its own way. It is not easily irritated and it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not rejoice in injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. It never gives up and never loses faith. It is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance.

God offers us this kind of love so that we experience it deeply … then pass it on to other people around about us. We are to pay forward what God has given so freely to us. Love is to be the hallmark of those in whose lives the presence of God is being reflected. For us to be known by our love, our love needs to not only be genuine, it needs to be VISIBLE. People are to SEE the love that we have for each other.

Tough Love

Jesus calls us to a life of love. Sometimes love has to be tough, especially when there has been a conflict. Arguments and disagreements separate people and create division between friends, families, communities, and even in the church. It takes a great deal of courage, wisdom and sensitivity to resolve conflicts and restore relationships.

Jesus understood that conflict would occur and he prepared his followers for these times. He warned against anger and made reconciliation a priority for disciples (Matt.5:21-23). He commanded loving confrontation and taught a clear process for sorting out differences (Matt.18:15-17). He expected his followers to give their best efforts towards resolving every conflict as quickly and thoroughly as possible.

The apostle Paul picked up the teaching of Jesus, emphasising unity and living at peace with everyone, if at all possible (Rom.12:18; 14:19 Eph.4:1-3). He also warned against the dangers of anger and its potential to destroy relationships (Eph.4:26-27) as did James (Jas.1:19-20).  

Biblical Principles of Conflict Resolution

Here are five extremely important principles for resolving conflicts:

Understanding Women ...

Men and women use same words but they sometimes have different meanings. For example when a woman says, “I feel like you never listen,” she does not expect the word “never” to be taken in a literal sense. It is simply a way to communicate the frustration she is feeling at the time. When it comes to their choice of words, many women use poetic license, superlatives, metaphors, and generalisations. Unfortunately, men mistakenly take these expressions as literally, causing all sorts of misunderstandings and even conflicts.

Here are some common complaints that are easily misinterpreted:

Woman: "We never go out." Man: "That's not true. We went out last month." Women means: "I feel like going out together. We always have such a good time."

Woman: "The house is always a mess." Man: "It's not always a mess." Woman means: "Today I feel like relaxing but the house is a mess. Could you help a bit?"

Woman: "No one listens to me anymore." Man: "I'm listening to you now." Woman means: "I'm afraid I'm boring you. I'm afraid you're no longer interested."

Woman: "You don't love me anymore." Man: "Of course I do. I'm still here." Woman means: "Today, I'm feeling a little insecure. I'm feeling as if you don't love me."

Woman: "I want more romance." Man: "Are you saying I'm not romantic!" Woman means: "Sweetheart, you have been working so hard lately. How about we have some time together. I'd love for you to buy me some flowers and take me out on a date."

As you can see, a literal translation can easily mislead a man. The key is to not just listen to the actual words and then respond logically. Listen for the meaning behind the words and seek to understand what she is trying to say and where she is coming from. Then learn to open up and share your feelings too.

For a bit of humour, check out this new Manslater which will be on the market soon. 

Corrie ten Boom - the Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is never easy - even when someone apologises and asks for it ...

Corrie ten Boom spent spent time in Nazi concentration camps for hiding Jews in her home during the Holocaust. 52 and unmarried, she had lived at home with her elderly father and older sister Betsie. All three of them had been sent to concentration camps when the Nazis discovered they had been hiding the Jewish refugees.

Corrie lost her freedom, her dignity, and her beloved sister and father in few months in those concentration camps. In God’s providence, Corrie was released due to a clerical error, just one week before the other women in Ravensbruck her age were executed.

After the war Corrie was invited to speak all over the world, and she tirelessly traveled the globe, thankful for every opportunity she was given to tell people about Christ. She always marveled at God’s infinite mercy toward sinners like us.

She also knew that everyone who had received God’s mercy had no choice but to show mercy to others; and she knew from her own experience that wasn’t always easy. In her book The Hiding Place she tells the following story:

“It was in a church in Munich that I saw him — a balding, heavyset man in a gray overcoat, a brown felt hat clutched between his hands. People were filing out of the basement room where I had just spoken, moving along the rows of wooden chairs to the door at the rear. It was 1947 and I had come from Holland to defeated Germany with the message that God forgives.

Common Questions about Forgiveness

Here are some common questions about forgiveness:

1. “Is it wrong to be angry?” It is not necessarily sinful to feel angry. Anger is a warning system alerting us that something is wrong and needs our attention. The key is to not covert angry emotions into angry behavior. Allow your emotions to settle down then seek to address the situation calmly and seek a resolution. Make use of prayer and wise counsel.

2. “Is forgiveness conditional or unconditional?” Jesus commands us to forgive others whether or not they ask for it. We choose to have a forgiving approach to people, releasing them from our right to hurt them back. Whether they are forgiven or not will depend upon their own choices and responses. God holds each person accountable for his or her actions.

3. “Is forgiveness the same as reconciliation?” No, it is not. For reconciliation to take place, there has to be appropriate apologies and a rebuilding of the relationship, which requires an effort from both parties. You may never be reconciled to your enemy.

4. “What about confrontation?” Choosing to be forgiving of others does not mean that we do not appropriately confront them about issues in a relationship. We are called to “speak the truth in love” and this means being appropriately assertive about our feelings.

5. “Should I stay in an abusive relationship?” Abuse of any kind is contrary to God’s commands about loving relationships. Sometimes withdrawal or at least separation from a threatening relationship is necessary to protect your own wellbeing. Also, forgiveness does not mean that an offender is free from the consequences of their actions, especially if there are legal or criminal aspects to a situation.

Awkward Love

The Christian God exists eternally in a Trinity of loving relationships – Father, Son and Spirit. God created us as the object of his love and invites us to participate in a community of loving friendships. As we fully understand how much God loves us, we are able to love others from a strong foundation of acceptance, significance, security, and purpose.

Because of sin, loving others is not always easy. In fact, sometimes it is awkward. This is especially so when people act in ways that offend or cause hurt to us. Situations such as these provide opportunity for us to obey God’s command for us to forgive others. When teaching his disciples to pray, Jesus told them to pray for forgiveness for their own sins while also ensuring that they had forgiven others. Failure to forgive others affects God’s forgiveness of us (Mt.6:9-15). Jesus went so far as to tell his followers to love their enemies (Lk 6:35-36). When giving instructions about his new community, the church, he emphasised the need for avoiding retribution and acting in mercy to forgive those who cause offence (Mt.18:21-35). Jesus modelled his own teaching on the cross as he chose to forgive those who crucified him (Lk 23:32-34). The apostle Paul frequently affirmed the importance of forgiveness in his letters (Rom.12:16-21. Eph.4:31-32. Col.2:12-13).

Opportunities to Forgive

Have you ever been hurt by someone else? The truth is that everybody has been hurt by other people - many times, either intentionally or unintentionally. Inevitably, someone will step on your toes or ruffle your feathers (Luke 17:1). Hurt can come in the form of words (lack of kindness, unfair criticism, harshness, gossip or conflicts), unmet expectations (unfulfilled promises, disappointment, abandonment, rejection, injustice or lack of appreciation) or even physical abuse.

Choosing to Forgive

Robert Enright (2008) Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step by Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope  Washington DC: American Psychological Association

Dr Robert Enright was called the forgiveness trailblazer by Time Magazine. He is the unquestioned pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness. He is a Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, a position he has held since 1978. He is co-founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, a non-profit organization dedicated to the dissemination of knowledge about forgiveness and community renewal through forgiveness. He is a licensed Psychologist. He is the author or editor of 4 books, and over 80 publications centered on social development and the psychology of forgiveness.He has undertaken 

Studies on Forgiveness

In his book Forgiveness is a Choice Dr Enright outlines substantial anecdotal evidence and credible scientific studies which show that forgiveness improves the psychological well-being of those who forgive. For example, he refers to R.C Hunter, a Canadian psychiatrist who reported that people with a wide variety of psychological symptoms can experience healing through forgiving. Hunter found that those who are anxious can experience an increased inner peace through forgiveness. Those who are depressed, intensely angry, or even paranoid have shown significant reductions in these symptoms (208-17). Similarly, Morton Kaufman, an Israeli Psychiatrist found that genuine acts of forgiveness lead to an overall improvement in a person’s emotional maturity (229-38). Following pioneering work in the use of forgiveness therapy, Richard Fitzgibbons, a Pennsylvanian psychiatrist observed that when a person forgives fear is reduced. He attributes this to a reduction in guilt for their unconscious violent impulses (238-47).

Differences between Men and Women

There are lots of similarities between men and women ... and also lots of differences (far beyond the fact that men can't get pregnant). Here are a few that I have read about (and yes, there are exceptions to every one of them!):

1. The average man has 6 items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, tooth paste, shaving cream, razor, soap, and a towel from Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437 - the vast majority of them totally unidentifiable by most men.

2. Apparently, women don’t think about sex as much as men (an average of 33 times a day according to one researcher). 

3. Many men tend to be goal-orientated: focused on doing tasks, solving problems and fixing things. They value competency, efficiency and achievement. Many women tend to be more relationship-orientated: spending time helping, supporting and nurturing. They value love, communication, and relationship.

4. Communication experts tells us that the average woman speaks 25,000 words a day while the average man speaks only a little over 10,000. Marriage counsellor, Gary Smalley, says that the average wife needs 45-60 minutes of meaningful conversation daily, while the average husband only needs 15-20 minutes ... 1-2 times per week. 

I believe that God created men and women differently - on purpose. His intention was to enhance our lives not to mess them up. Both men and women need to educate themselves so that they understand each other better. Both men and women were created in the image of God and both are required to reflect God's nature accurately. Love, respect and appreciate the opposite gender and treat them as partners in life and ministry. 

Finally, have you ever noticed that all of women’s problem’s start with MEN ... MEN-opause, MEN-strual pain, GUY-naecologist, and HIS-terectomy.

P.S. Also check out: Common Questions Women Ask About Men and Men and Women Communicating. 

Men and Women Communicating

Men and women process information very differently. Women often think out loud, sharing their process with any interested listener. Men, before they talk, silently mull over or think about what they have heard or experienced.

Women tend to process things by talking them through. Men tend to process things by thinking. 

A female brain is organised for multi-tracking – she can juggle four or five balls in the air at the same time. Multi-tracking can even occur in a single sentence. Here's a slightly exaggerated example ...

BILL: “Is Sue coming over for Christmas?”

DEBBIE: “Sue said she’ll come depending on how things go with carpet orders which have slowed down because of the economy and Fiona may not come because Andrew has to see a specialist and Nathan has lost his job too so he has to get a new one and Jodi can’t get time off work – her boss is so tough! – so Sue said she could come down early and we could go dress shopping for Emma’s wedding and I though that if we put her and Len in the visitors bedroom we could ask Ray to arrive early so …”

BILL: “Does that mean ‘yes’ or ‘no’?”

DEBBIE: “Well, it also depends on whether Diana’s boss Adrian will give her time off work because his car is off the road and she has too ….” 

Bill thought he had asked a simple question and he would have been happy with a simple answer like ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ Instead, he got a multi-tracked answer involved 9 different subjects and 11 people. He feels frustrated and goes outside to water the garden. 

Both men and women talk to convey or gather information. Women also talk to explore and discover what it is she wants to say. Women often talk in order to feel better when upset, while men often stopping talking when upset. Women talk to create intimacy too. Women often talk when they are stressed, using conversation to process their feelings, while men can tend to withdraw into silence when they are stressed.

All of these examples and illustrations are generalisations and there are always exception but learning about the differences so we can understand each other better is essential to healthy relationships ... for men and women.

Common Questions Women Ask About Men

In the book Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes, the authors discuss common questions women ask about men, based on over 5,000 letters they have received. Here are a few of them. [Note: I take no responsibility for the information or opinions presented in this BLOG post]

1. Why do men continually offer solutions and give advice?

When a woman wants a man to show empathy, he thinks she’s asking him for a solution. Advice-giving is perceived differently by men than it is by woman. If one man asks another man for advice, the man who is asked sees the request as a compliment. A woman usually wants to be heard not fixed.

The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that MEN DON’T LISTEN. Either the man completely ignores her when she speaks to him OR he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her, and then proudly puts on his Mr Fix It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better.

2. Why do men keep flicking through the channels with the remote control?

Dictionary definition of "Remote control":

     noun, female; a device for changing one TV channel to another;

     noun, male; a device for scanning through 55 channels every 2.5 minutes.

Apparently, in heaven, every man has 3 remote controls and all toilets seats are left up.

Of course, the truth is that men don’t want to know what’s on TV, they want to know what else is on TV.

3. Why don’t men stop and ask for directions?

Why does it take 4 million male sperm to find and fertilize an egg? Not one of them wants to ask for directions.

We all know that Moses wandered in the wilderness for 40 years. He couldn’t ask for directions either.

Of course, the truth is that men don’t get lost; we simply discover alternative destinations. 

4. Why do men make such a fuss about going shopping?

For a man, one pair of shoes, one suit and a couple of shirts will last for many seasons. The same hairstyle endures for years, perhaps decades. And even better, his wallet, as a consequence, will last for longer too.

A woman will dress carefully according to the weather, the season, fashion, her own colouring, where she’s going, how she feels about herself that day, who she’s seeing, what she’ll be doing. A man merely performs the sniff test on a piece of clothing he’s left lying over the arm of a chair.

Love (Pt.2) - Beloved

The foundation of our love for others is a revelation of God’s love for us. The most important question in your life is not how much you love others or even how much you love God. It is how much do you think God loves you. Everything flows from this. Once we grasp and fully understand how much God loves us and allow that love to transform our lives, we are in a much better place to reach out in love to those around about us. In contrast, when we are unaware of God’s love for us, we can tend to relate to others from a point of need, seeking to get them to fill the emptiness in our own lives, an approach that often leads to disappointment and even dysfunction in relationships. Deep inside every human heart are all sorts of longings – for acceptance, for approval, for a sense of identity, for a sense of belonging, and for significance. We will do anything to fulfil these longings and desires within us. Ultimately, as St Augustine once said, “O Lord, our hearts our restless until they rest in thee.”

The Father’s Love

We come to God through Jesus – the One who is our Saviour and Lord. He came to earth, lived a perfect life, then died on a cross so that we could be forgiven and become children of God. Jesus described himself as “the way” – the way to the Father. Through Jesus we come to know God as our Father (Jn.1:11-13). The Holy Spirit then comes to live inside of us and fill us with the Father’s love so that His love is the foundation of our lives (Rom.5:5. Eph.3:14-19). It is so important that we fully consider the amazing love that God has for each one of us – not just in our heads (knowledge), but deep in our hearts (experience). This love of the Father for us is even greater than the love he has for us as our Creator (Ps.139:1-18). John puts it this way: “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! (1 John 3:1)”

Thinking about the Trinity ...

Here are a few insightful quotes about the Trinity:

“In Christianity, God is not a static thing … but a dynamic, pulsating activity, a life, almost a kind of drama. Almost, if you will not think me irreverent, a kind of dance.” [C.S. Lewis]

"The Trinity is a communion of three persons, three centers of consciousness, who exist and always have existed in union with one another and in dependence on one another … Each is essential to the life of the others, and to the life of the Trinity. They are bound to one another in love, agape love, which therefore unites them in the closest and most intimate of relationships. This unselfish, agape love, makes each more concerned for the other than for himself. There is therefore a mutual submission of each to each of the others and a mutual glorifying of one another. There is complete equality of the three." [Theologian Millard Erickson] 

"The oneness of God is not the oneness of a distinct, self-contained individual; it is the unity of a community of persons who love each other and live together in harmony … They are what they are only in relationship with one another. Each only exists in this relationship and would not exist apart from it. Father, Son and Holy Spirit live only in and with and through each other, eternally united in, mutual love and shared purposes ... There is no solitary person separated from the others, no above and below; no first, second, third in importance; no ruling and controlling and being ruled and controlled; no position of privilege to be maintained over against others; no question of conflict concerning who is in charge; no possible rivalry or competition between competing individuals; no need to assert independence and authority of one at the expense of the others. Now there is only the fellowship and community of equals who share all that they are and have in their communion with each other, living with and for the others in mutual openness, self-giving love, and support; each free not from but for the others. That is how the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are related in the inner circle of the Godhead." [Professor Shirley Guthrie]

LOVE (Pt.1) - Original Love

This weekend we began a new series on LOVE. Here's a quick summary with some discussion questions.

Responding to a World in Turmoil

Despite the fact that there are many good things happening in our world today, it doesn’t take a lot of insight to realize that we are a world in turmoil – especially in our relationships. At our very core, human beings are relational creatures. We have this tendency to ‘herd’ - to want to be together with other people. Deep inside, we have longings for belonging, for acceptance, for love, for intimacy and for meaning – all of which are found in relationship with others. Yet despite our obvious need and our best efforts, there is evidence of fractured, broken and dysfunctional relationships everywhere: between and within nations, in the marketplace, in families and even in the church.

The apostle John, one of Jesus’ closest followers, faced similar challenges in his lifetime. The Roman Empire of his day was ruthless, harsh and abusive, creating fear in every citizen’s heart. Even in the church, there were tensions, divisions and conflicts. The threats from the inside were as great as the persecution from the outside. John was a pastor placed over a number of church congregations. What could he say? How would he address these relational problems? Let’s reads some of his words, no doubt inspired by the Holy Spirit:

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. [1 John 4:7-11. NIV]

For John, the remedy to the problem was to get back to the source of everything: God as love. He doesn’t use fear or guilt as a motivator. He painted a picture of God’s very nature. If they could only catch a fresh glimpse of God, as he really is, it could radically change their own hearts and lives. People grounded powerfully in God’s love are able to experience a transformation that will affect all aspects of community life … and ultimately the world.

The Dance of Divinity

We need a fresh revelation of GOD. It begins by looking at Jesus. In his gospel, Mark wastes no time in boldly declaring Jesus to be the “Son of God (Mark 1:1).” He then moves quickly to the scene of Jesus’ baptism (Mark 1:9-11). Here we see the Father, who is the voice; the Son, who is the Word in human form; and the Spirit fluttering like a dove. Mark is deliberately pointing us back to the original creation of the world. Creation and redemption are both the work of a Trinity, one God in three persons.

The Christian doctrine of the Trinity is that God is one God, eternally existent in three persons (Mt.28:19. 2Cor.13:14. Eph.2:18). This is a mystery and difficult for the human mind to comprehend. There are not three Gods. Neither is there one God posing in three different forms. Here are three persons, who in some amazing, mysterious way constitute one God.

In the Trinity, none is before or after the other, none is less or greater than another, none is subordinated in being or function to another. The members exist as three equal yet differentiated persons in the most intimate communion. There is a radical, relational, co-equality. C.S. Lewis puts it this way: “In Christianity, God is not a static thing … but a dynamic, pulsating activity, a life, almost a kind of drama. Almost, if you will not think me irreverent, a kind of dance.” Each person of the Trinity moves, flows and draws life from the other in a community of perfect love. It’s the dance of divinity - sometimes called perichoresis by theologians (peri = around; choresis = to move or dance).

Acceptance

One of the deepest needs in every human being is to be accepted – just as we are, warts and all. Some people will do almost anything … just to be accepted by others.

If you want to enhance your own relationships, why not give others the gift of acceptance. Choose to value and respect them – just as they are.

You know, subconsciously, we tend to have a rating scale for people and we treat them based on the value we place on them. If we’re walking down the hallway and someone who we think is a #10 comes along, we say, “Hi, how you going, good to see you!” (enthusiastically) If we meet someone who we think is a #2, we just say, “Hey …” If we see someone who is a -4 … we walk the other way!

We treat people based on the value we place on them. What is you started seeing everyone as a #10 and treating them that way? What a difference that could make in your world!

Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean approval … but it is a choice to respect people, no matter what.

Acceptance … think about it. 

Expectations

We all know that relationships are central to our lives. Of course, developing close relationships with other people is not as easy as it sounds. 

I read an interesting book the other day with a great title: Everybody’s Normal Until You Get to Know Them. How true is that!

Have you ever bought something from a shop that said ‘as is?’ Right away, you know that that item is most likely slightly irregular or even damaged goods. It is not normal.  There will be no refunds, no returns and no exchanges.

That’s a bit what it’s like when we deal with humans. If you’re looking for perfection, you’ve walked down the wrong aisle. The sooner we realise this, the better. We need to develop realistic expectations.

Of course, the really painful part is that I am in the ‘as is’ department too. We don’t like to admit that. We’d rather separate the world into normal, healthy people (like us) … and difficult people (everybody else).

The truth is that no one is totally normal! We all have faults and flaws. The sooner we realise that, the better.

Expectations … think about it. 

The Importance of Friendship

The book of Genesis tells us the story of God creating the world. As God created various aspects of our world he declared them “good.” Then after creating human beings he said that this was “very good.” Then suddenly there is turn in the narrative. The writer tells us that God then said, “It is not good that man be alone.” Adam was not lonely – he had God and the animals – but he was alone, a solitary human being. So God made Eve as a friend and partner for him.

This story is not just about marriage but about our need for community – for relationships. None of us are designed to do life alone or in isolation. We need companionship as we journey through life. Most of us know that this to be true YET there a numbers of things that can become barriers to this becoming a reality.

Maybe its an unhealthy individualism, or a workaholic tendency, or a more introverted personality, or possibly a bad past experience. What’s holding you back? Take a step, reach out and connect with someone today. 

Relationships … think about it.

The Art of Apology

Have you ever had a conflict? Maybe a better question would be, “When was your last conflict?”

As we do life with other people it is inevitable that conflicts and disagreements will occur. How successfully we resolve those conflicts will have a big impact on our lives.

In most conflicts, there are wrongs on both sides. The trouble comes when we only focus on what the other person has done … rather than on our own contribution. Let’s say for example, that you’ve just had a conflict with another person and they were 90% wrong and you were 10% wrong. Don’t focus on their part; focus on yourself. Take care of your 10%.

Learn to say a few powerful words – from your heart.

• Firstly, “I’m sorry.” Those words can change an entire relationship.

• Then try this one, “I was wrong.”

• Finally, try this phrase, ”Would you forgive me?”

When we take responsibility for ourselves and respond to the heat of the moment with humility and kindness … the other person often softens and the conflict can more easily be resolved.

Apology … think about it.

Show a little kindness ...

I heard a interesting thought this week highlighting the fact that there are nine fruit of the Spirit but that the one in the middle (with four either side in the list) is KINDNESS (Gal.5:22). As followers of Christ, are we known as being kind? Kindness is to be one of the evidences of God's Spirit at work transforming our hearts. I think we could all show a little more kindness to others around about us and thereby shine the light of Christ a little brighter in a dark world. 

"The Lord is righteous in everything he does; he is filled with kindness." [Ps.145:17]

"Never let loyalty and kindness leave you! Tie them around your neck as a reminder. Write them deep within your heart." [Prov.3:3]

"You kindness will reward you; but your cruelty will destroy you." [Prov.11:17]

"This is what the Lord of Heaven's Armies says: Judge fairly, and show mercy and kindness to one another." [Zech.7:9]

"Don't you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean anything to you? Can't you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?" [Rom.2:4]

"He (God) has showered his kindness on us ..." [Eph.1:8]

Connecting Skills - 7. The Art of Encouragement

Jesus was a great encourager. He was always lifting people up and inspiring them towards God’s purpose for their lives. We see this in the Gospels but also in the book of Acts where Jesus appears to Paul in a dream or vision a number of times to encourage him during times of pressure and difficulty.

Most of your best friends are those who encourage you. You don't have many strong relationships with those who pull you down. You avoid these people and seek out those who believe in you and lift you up.

Everyone needs and responds to encouragement. People do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism. Encouragement brings out the best in people. The way to truly motivate and develop people is through encouragement and through believing in them. People tend to become what the most important people in their lives think they will become.

Encouragement helps us rise above difficult situations. Words of encouragement have great power. Trouble and trial don't destroy people, only the lack of care and encouragement during those times. When it is there, it gives us the energy to go through.

Here is what the author of the book of Hebrews says ...

Heb.10:24-25. Make opportunities to encourage others by meeting together, consider ways in which you can encourage and continue doing it.

Who can you encourage today?

Connecting Skills - 6. The Art of Loving Confrontation

Jesus took time to lovingly confront people when they needed it – his disciples, the religious leaders, and the crowd.

We all have blind spots – things about us that we don’t see. We need others to show us these areas and help us to grow and change. The apostle Paul tells us to learn to ‘speak the truth in love’ to one another (Eph.4:15). We all need truth-tellers. The truth can set us free. Some people speak the truth but not in a loving manner while others are so loving that they never speak the truth.

We all need to be lovingly assertive, when appropriate. Avoid being overly assertive which leads to aggression. Avoid being under-assertive, allowing people to walk all over you.

Confrontation is not easy. In fact, it can be very difficult. We all fear being disliked. We may be afraid of making things worse. However, usually it is the attitude in which you confront that makes things worse, not the confrontation itself. We may fear rejection. We may find it difficult to share our feelings. We may think that confrontation will destroy love and trust. Actually, if done correctly, confrontation can build more love and trust into the relationship.

We can confront without hurting. We must not hang on to our anger and hurt. We need to take responsibility for our feelings. Share your feelings and thoughts honestly and openly. Always seek to maintain the relationship. Have the courage and the consideration to confront lovingly.

Assertiveness and confrontation always need to be done with the right spirit. We should not be either overeager or too hesitant to confront. We should confront, not because it makes us feel good, but because we are committed to the quality of our relationships. Confronting with the right spirit comes out of having the right goal in your confrontation.

Is there someone you need to have an open and honest conversation with? Don't leave it any longer. Ask God for wisdom to speak the truth in love ... as soon as you can. I think you'll be glad you did.

Connecting Skills - 5. The Art of Forgiveness

Jesus made a choice to forgive those who nailed him to that cross – even though they never asked for it. That's amazing, yet forgiveness is such an important keep in connecting with other people.

Many of the people we connect with will be different than us. Yet, often these kinds of relationships provide the opportunity for us to grow and develop the most. They draw us out of our comfort zones and stretch our loving capacity.

There is no greater challenge in building community than to master the art of handling anger and conflict. We all know what it is to have other people annoy and irritate us, as well as hurt us deeply.

Jesus gives us some practical steps for resolving conflict (see Matthew 18:15f). This is one of the most well-known teachings of Jesus but probably the most disobeyed. He tells us to go the person who has offended us and do our best to sort it out with them alone. If it doesn't work out, then we should involve someone else who can help. Jesus wants us to be serious about forgiveness.

When you've offended someone, be quick to apologise and ask for forgiveness. That's a mark of maturity.

Of course, forgiveness is not the same things as reconciliation, which may or may not happen, depending on the situation.

Forgiveness is giving up the right to hurt back or get even. Eventually, you can even find yourself wishing the other person well.

Connecting Skills - 4. The Art of Authenticity

Jesus was a very transparent person. He let his friends see him as he really was - in moments of joy, sadness, anger, and fatigue. His followers never had to guess whether he was delighted or disappointed. He modeled deep disclosure to a few trusted friends. Read this slowly ...

Matthew 26:36-38. Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me." NIV

The apostle Paul also modeled a life of transparency and authenticity. He was real and was willing to take off any masks to let people see who he really was and how he was going (see 2 Cor.6:11).

Who knows your needs? Who do you ask to pray for you? Who do you let see your brokenness -your weaknesses and struggles?

Share your life with others. Don’t hide. Never pretend to be more than you really are.

This is not easy as our culture is into “image projection” and “impression management”. We have a strong tendency to hide and to want to look better than we really are. However, when we hide, our relationships become stagnant and we lose the help and support that may be available to us. There is no healing in hiding, only in authenticity (see James 5:16).

A while ago, I had lunch with influential church leader. He asked me how I was doing. I hesitated at first ... then decided to answere honestly rather than the typical “Great!” or “Awesome!” The depth of our conversation immediately changed. He thanked me for my openness. Sadly, he admitted to going through the same type of emotional low that I had been going through but he never had the courage to tell anyone.

Think about it: the level of intimacy or closeness in any relationship or group is directly related to the level of openness in that relationship or group.

Be open, honest and real. Share how you are really doing. Yes, we need wisdom and discernment in this area and trust is essential. We all need 'safe people' in our world who really know us - warts and all. Of course, not everyone knows how to respond to our openness (the disciples fell asleep after Jesus opened his heart to them and asked for prayer support!). It can feel a little awkward at first. However, make a choice to allow others to minister to you. Learn to receive.

Connecting Skills - 3. The Art of Empathy

Jesus had an amazing ability to see a person’s heart and their deepest needs – to understand things from their perspective. He could look beneath the surface of the matter (external) and see a person's heart (internal). He modeled the art of empathy.

Pay attention to people. Look beyond their words to what is happening on the inside. Slow down and stop talking. Listen. Observe.

Place all of your energy in seeking to truly understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Try to understand the words and the implied message. Use your free mental time to observe, concentrate and evaluate the message. When you listen, you learn.

Listen to nonverbal messages. Many messages people send are communicated nonverbally by their tone of voice, their facial expressions, their energy level, their posture, or changes in their behaviour patterns. You can often tell more from the way a person says something than from what is said.

You understand others by getting inside of them and seeing life from their perspective, through their eyes. This involves a tremendous amount of communication – of asking, sharing and listening. Seeing life through someone else’s eyes gives us a totally different perspective. It is so easy to judge and to make wrong assumptions about people. When we truly seek to understand, we learn and we grow.

Here’s a good exercise - select a relationship in which things are not going too well right now. Try to understand the situation from the other person's point of view. If you were in their shoes how do you think you would be feeling or thinking? In your next interaction, listen for understanding, comparing what you are hearing with your reflections. How valid were your assumptions? Did you really understand that person's perspective?

Misunderstanding is usually at the heart of most relational pain. It often takes time to rebuild trust and help people feel safe enough to open up again. Practice the art of empathy today.

Connecting Skills - 2. The Art of Listening

Jesus was a person who had so much to say, yet he was a great listener. He was always asking questions. In doing so, he drew people out and got to know them and helped them get to know themselves.

Relationships are built on communication and communication is built on good listening skills. Listening is one of the greatest ways to communicate love and value to another person. It helps you understand people and it earns you the right to be heard.

James tells us to be quick to listen and slow to speak, which is the opposite of our human nature (James 1:19-20).

Unfortunately, we all develop poor listening habits such as inattentiveness (through being preoccupied, lack of concentration, or distractions), interrupting (finishing people's sentences for them, just waiting your turn to speak, jumping to conclusions), and advice giving.

Good listening habits include: being attentive (making eye contact, concentration, giving verbal cues), seeking to understand, and asking questions.

Love pays attention. Love means being fully present with a person, concentrating not just on their words, but the meaning and feelings behind the words.

Pay attention ... it is the most valuable currency we have.

Connecting Skills - 1. The Art of Acceptance

In order for us to connect or relate effectively with other people, we need to learn some important skills. These skills can help us as we connect with other people with our families at home, with co-workers in the workplace, and in small groups and serving teams at church.

1. The Art of Acceptance

Jesus had an amazing ability to accept people – all people, just as they were, ‘as is.’ He treated every person as if they were very important – even those despised by others in his culture, such as beggars, women, and children. He placed a #10 on everyone.

Don't be like the Pharisees who only accepted people who were like them. Everyone else they kept at a distance. Their attitude was ‘change and then you can come and hang with us’ while Jesus’ approach to all people was ‘come as you are and let my grace change you.’

The apostle Paul tells us to accept one another in the same way that Christ accepts us (Rom.15:7). How did Christ accept us? He loved us and died for us while we were still his enemies and living in a life of sin. He didn’t wait for us to get our act together before he reached out to us. We are to do the same for others.

The second great commandment is to ‘love our neighbour as ourselves.’ We all want to be accepted. Let’s do the same for others. Learn how to accept people as they are. Everyone wants to feel worthwhile. People want to feel important.

Of course, acceptance does not mean approval of someone's behaviour. Acceptance is not the same as tolerance. Jesus was a 'friend of sinners' without condoning their sin. It is an act of the heart that shows a person’s value and worth.

How do you approach people – with a smile or a frown, with a sense of acceptance or rejection? Be on guard so that you don’t become a stone-thrower with judgmental thoughts, a superior attitude, impatient words, bitter resentments, and little room for love. Let go of condemnation and judgment. Genuinely accept others ... just as they are.

Everybody's Normal ... Till You Get to Know Them

Connecting with other people in close relationship is not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes we can develop an idealistic picture of what community should be, even in the church. The truth is that developing close and enjoyable relationships is not easy. John Ortberg has an excellent book on relationships with a great title: Everybody’s Normal - Till You Get to Know Them. How true is that!

Have you ever bought something from a shop that said ‘as is?’ You know right away that the item is most likely slightly irregular or that something is missing or that it doesn't work just quite right. It is not normal. There will be no refunds, no returns and no exchanges. That’s what it’s like dealing with humans. If you’re looking for perfection, you’ve walked down the wrong aisle. The sooner we realise this, the better. We must have realistic expectations.

Of course, the really painful part is that I am in the ‘as is’ department too. We don’t like to admit that. We’d rather separate the world into normal, healthy people (like us) and difficult people (everybody else). The truth is that no one is totally normal. All of us have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory.

Have you ever considered the families that God used as told in the book of Genesis? Cain was jealous of Abel and killed him. Noah – the most righteous man of his generation – got drunk and cursed his grandson. Lot offered his virgin daughters to some men who were trying to violate some visitors. Abraham played favourites between Isaac and Ishmael. Isaac played favourites between Jacob and Esau, who were bitter enemies for twenty years. Jacob played favourites between Joseph and his other eleven sons (the brothers wanted to kill Joseph and ended up selling him into slavery). Jacob’s firstborn son, Reuben, slept with his father’s concubine. Another son, Judah, slept with his daughter-in-law when she disguised herself as a prostitute.

The description of these families in Genesis reads like a script from Days of Our Lives! These people need a therapist ... or something. I know ... some of you are feeling better about your family already. This is the cast of characters God has to work with. None of them are ‘normal’ and neither are we.

So, how do we pursue community with actual, real-life, dysfunctional, as is, not-normal people? Can it really happen? How do you get close without getting hurt? How do we pursue God’s dream of a community on earth that reflects his community in heaven? How do we really connect with other people?

More about that tomorrow ... as we begin looking at seven skills for connecting with other people.

Connecting

"Edward Hallowell writes that for most people the two most powerful experiences in life are achieving and connecting. Most of what grabs our attention and commands our energy falls under these two categories.

Connecting has to do with our relational world - things like falling in love, forming great friendships, being cared for when we are sick, or receiving words of deep affection from parents.

Achieving has to do with our accomplishments - winning contests, pursuing career success, or realising a difficult goal.

Hallowell points out that our society is increasingly devoted to, obsessed with, and enslaved by achieving, and increasingly bankrupt and impoverished when it comes to connecting. Achievement for its own sake has become an idol in our society.

Achieving is not a bad thing – when it’s done in the right way for the right reasons. But it is no substitute for connecting. In fact, the only really significant achievements are those that enrich the life of community.

It is impossible to live isolated, lonely and unconnected and have a meaningful, joy-filled life. Human beings who give themselves to relational greatness - who have friends they laugh with, cry with, learn with, fight with, dance with, live and love and grow old and die with - these are the human beings who lead magnificent lives."

[Source: Everybody's Normal Til You Get To Know Them by John Ortberg, p.30-31]

Marriage God's Way (Pt.3)

Here are some discussion questions you might like to consider about marriage ...

1. What was your parent’s marriage like? What ‘roles’ did your dad or mum each play and what were the expectations like? How has that influenced your view of marriage?
2. What are some of the implications that the doctrine of the Trinity (one God existing in three persons - equal partners, unity in diversity, etc) has for marriage and human relationships?
3. From your perspective, what are some practical tips for a good marriage?
4. For those who are parents, what are some keys to modeling a healthy view of marriage to our children?
5. Marriage is not a requirement. Jesus and Paul were not married. While encouraging marriage as a good thing (in a culture where its value is diminishing), how can we also improve the way we value and affirm those who are single within the church?

Finally, here are some books I would recommend that address some of the issues we have raised:

Discovering Biblical Equality - this book contains an excellent compilation of articles by leading scholars, including gordon Fee (editor). I think this is the best book available on this topic.

Beyond Sex Roles: What the Bible Says about a Women's Place in Church and Familyby Gilbert Bilizekian. This book is a classic, written by Bill Hybels' theological mentor.

Good News for Women: A Biblical Picture of Gender Equality by Rebecca Groothius.

The Trinity and Sub-Ordinationism: The Doctrine of God and the Contemporary Gender Debate by Kevin Giles. This book and the following one take an in-depth look at the Trinity as to how it informs human relationships, including marriage.

Who's Tampering with the Trinity: An Assessment of the Subordination Debate by Millard Erickson.

For a different perspective that what I have proposed, read Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by John Piper. Piper proposes that men and women are equal as persons but that they have different God-given roles in the home and the church.

Marriage God's Way (Pt.2)

Marriage Today

The Bible is the inspired word of God and it was given to guide us in our lives today. Our first task is ‘exegesis’, which is where we ask what God’s Word meant back then in the culture and time in which it was given. There are considerable cultural gaps between us and world of the Bible that need to be bridged. Our next task is ‘hermeneutics’ which is where we ask what God’s Word means today in our time and culture, which is very different to the context in which it was first given. Unless this is done properly, we can misuse the Scriptures by ignoring matters of cultural context (e.g. forcing women to wear hats in church based on 1 Cor.11).

Today we no longer have household codes, we do not have slaves, and we would not group wives, children and slaves together as philosophers did in the ancient world. Unfortunately, we still live in a culture that is still somewhat patriarchal, even in the church world, where suppression and even abuse of women frequently occurs. Like Jesus, the Christian church needs to champion the value and dignity of women everywhere. There is no doubt that the trajectory of the Scriptures is toward women finding full freedom in Christ as equal heirs of the grace of life with men. Just as we applaud the abolition of slavery, so we should seek justice for women.

So what does this mean for marriage? It is important for us to realise that no Scriptural text represents all that is to be said on any given topic, including marriage. There is an important principle of ‘first mention’ that needs to be considered. Jesus regularly talked about the way things were ‘in the beginning’ as God initially intended (e.g. Matt.19:4, 8). A full study of God’s intention for marriage from the beginning shows that God desired marriage to be an equal and mutual partnership between the husband and the wife (Gen.2:18). Men and women were both created in the image of God and they were both given a dominion mandate and a reproduction mandate (Gen.1:26-28). God’s original intention was that men and women work together in harmony in a partnership of interdependency, taking their rightful place as joint-heirs and co-rulers of creation. Before sin entered there was no hierarchy, no domination and no control in human relationships, including marriage. These damaging relating patterns entered as a result of the fall (see Gen.3:16). Christ comes to redeem us from the curse of sin and to return us to God’s intentions at the beginning.

I believe that a healthy marriage involves a husband and a wife who see each other as equal partners, enjoying life together, making decisions together, and empowering each other to serve based on their unique gifts and abilities. There is mutual love and respect. Marriages of mutual empowerment do not come naturally or automatically because the human tendency is to dominate or manipulate in order to get your own way. Working out an equal partnership takes time, effort and energy. However, the very process of working it through creates character and personal growth. Most importantly, it can be a powerful witness to the watching world.

[Tomorrow - some discussion questions and some recommended reading]

Marriage God's Way (Pt.1)

Better Relationships

We're currently doing a series of messages at our weekend church gatherings based on Paul's letter to the Ephesians. This weekend we picked up some of Paul's thoughts for better relationships. These are often referred to as the ‘household codes.’ Paul addresses husbands and wives (Eph.5:21-33), parents and children (Eph.6:1-4), and finally masters and slaves (Eph.6:5-9). Just prior to this Paul noted that God calls us to live life carefully, knowing his will and making the most of every opportunity. We are not to get drunk with wine but we are to be continually filled with the Spirit. Paul describes the results of the Spirit-filled life as people whose lives are marked by singing, thankfulness, and mutual submission (Eph.5:15-20). Positioning ourselves to be continually filled with the Spirit is crucial to building the kind of loving relationships that God’s desires for us. Without the Spirit’s power and enablement we can easily degenerate into our old habits patterns of relating from a self-centred perspective.

Mutual Submission

Paul begins this section on relationships with a call for all believers to submit to one another (Eph.5:21). We are all called to self-giving love and humility modelled by Jesus himself. We are to consider others better than ourselves and to look to other people’s interests, seeking to serve them in any way we can (Gal.5:13. Phil.2:3-4. Rom.12:10). All believers are to place themselves under others in the spirit of humility. Unfortunately, for many the very word ‘submit’ implies a passive and weak approach to life. However, neither Jesus nor Paul was a weak person but they did choose to treat other people with respect and love. The call to mutual submission is the context for all that Paul says about marriage, parenting, and relationships between masters and slaves.

Marriage in the First Century

The society that Paul lived in was completely patriarchal (dominated by men). It was a terrible time for women as they were viewed as being inferior to men and were given relatively little freedom. They received minimal education, could not be witnesses in a court of law, had less economic independence, could not adopt children or make a contract, and typically were kept from public life. When girls married (usually between age twelve and sixteen), they were expected to take the religion of their husbands. They were either under their father’s, their husband’s, or some other male relative’s authority all their lives. Roman law gave husbands complete authority over their wives, who were in many ways seen as the husband’s possession.

Into this environment, where the devaluation of women was the cultural norm, the Christian faith brought amazingly good news for women through the gospel of the kingdom. Jesus allowed women to be his disciples, they were the first witnesses of his resurrection and were sent to proclaim to the men that he had risen, they received the outpouring of the Spirit on the day of Pentecost, they were given spiritual gifts to serve the church, and they ministered and led within the church community (it should be noted that any restrictions placed on women ministering in the early church were temporary and they were given within dysfunctional church communities, whereas in healthy environments, ministry was based on gifting and godliness, not gender). In fact, Paul boldly declared that, because of Christ, gender distinctions, though still existing, were no longer grounds for prejudice or discrimination with the community of faith (Gal.3:28).

Can you imagine the potential uproar that this new freedom for women may have caused within society at that time? Paul’s concern was always for the credibility and the advance of the gospel (see Titus 2:5). Interestingly, he didn’t attack or seek to overthrow the structures of how society worked in his time. For instance, he didn’t seek to abolish slavery, overthrow dictatorial Roman government, or overturn a patriarchal approach to relationships. His focus was primarily on how Christians should live out their faith with the context in which they found themselves (see Eph.6:5-9, Rom.13:1-7 and Eph.5:21-33). However, he did give his greatest challenges to the ones with the most power in that culture – husbands, parents, and masters. He pushed them towards love, kindness and consideration because of the grace that is in Christ Jesus.

Because Paul wrote at a time when wives were expected to submit to their husbands (in the same way that slaves were expected to obey their masters), he affirmed that arrangement (Eph.5:22-24, 33) but balanced it with a reminder to husbands that they were to always act in love, which would have directly affected the way that they expressed their authority (Eph.5:25-33). He also redefined the man’s leadership as being that of a servant who acts with self-giving love like Christ. Interestingly, Paul’s directions to the wives to submit and to the husbands to love are instructions given to all Christians as to how they should act towards each other.

[Tomorrow - Marriage Today]

Aussie Men are the Least Desirable Husbands!

A recent study conducted by Oxford University revealed that Australian men are the least desirable husbands when it comes to housework and helping with the children. With Aussie men, it seems that their passion for beer and sport takes precedence over doing the washing up. Aussie men are still perceived as being Steve Irwin and Crocodile Dundee types for whom a kitchen is largely unexplored and dangerous terrain. For single women, this only reinforces the old joke - ‘You start off sinking into his arms, then you end up with your arms in his sink.’

My fellow Aussie mates, we have work to do! This is an appalling result. We can do much better than this.

The report reveals that Swedish men make ideal husbands – not because of their Viking good looks, but because they are most likely to help with the housework.

The study, led by economist Dr Almudena Sevilla Sanz, set out to find the countries with the highest proportion of egalitarian men – those who have no problem strapping on an apron and doing their fair share of the housework.

Click here to read an article about this in the Sydney Morning Herald.