Mark Conner's Space

Computers

Here's a funny one about computers.

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to really understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those who sometimes get flustered by computers, please read on ... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

Dirty Kitchens ..

Hey Aussies ... we need to lift our game. A recent study revealed that Australia is one of the dirtiest countries in the developing world when it comes to hygiene. In fact, our kitchens have a higher level of bacteria than our bathrooms!

The Hygiene in the Home Study 2009 covered Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Australia, Germany, India, Malaysia, South Africa, Britain and America. Virology expert Prof John Oxford from the Hygiene Council says Australia has high levels of contamination in the kitchen. Kitchen cleaning cloths are the dirtiest item in the home, followed by the kitchen tap. The study found that toilet areas were relatively clean because they were considered important places to keep hygienic.

Prof Oxford says Australia is at the top of the league in regard to kitchens because 95 percent of cloths and 80 percent of taps contained high levels of bacteria. The study showed that only India and Malaysia were worse than Australia when it came to contamination.

What's up with this?

Dogs - a Man's Best Friend?

When I was growing up as a kid, I loved cats and I never really took to dogs.

My wife, Nicole, has always loved dogs and she never really took to cats.

We got married and we bought an adorable little kitten that we fell in love with while window-shopping at a pet store (bad idea!). Unfortunately, Nicole got hay fever from it, so we gave it away to some friends.

Since then, we've had a variety of dogs (German Shepherds, Terrier crosses, and others I couldn't name) - usually two at a time. I must admit, I've learned to like dogs. It's nice to know that they're ALWAYS glad to see you - even if their perpetual barking drives you crazy some times.

We have two little dogs at the moment and one of them sleeps on our bed down by our feet. Her name is Tash and she thinks she runs the house. If I move my feet into her space, she growls. But life could be worse. I am a happy man.

I saw a video clip the other day with all sorts of dogs in it doing funny things. It was worth posting - so click here to watch and have a good laugh (or download the file here). It's called 'Psycho Dogs'!

Dogs - a man's best friend?

Preaching Bloopers

Okay, confession time ... I have had a few clangers - or bloopers, as most people call them - in my life as a public speaker. These are embarrassing moments when you get your words mixed up or say something that has a different meaning than you intended.

Here are my Top 3 Bloopers - for your enjoyment:

1. "The church is a living orgasm ..." [instead of "... a living organism ..."]
2. "There were lots of people following Jebus, I mean Jesus ..." [no comment necessary]
3. "A man came and did some staff training for us a few years back. He had three balls. He took them out and started juggling them ..." [no additional comment necessary]

Yes, these were very embarrassing moments!

Here are a few other bloopers that I have heard, made by other people (whose name I will protect):

1. "... the diery farts of the wicked one ..." [instead of "... the fiery darts of the wicked one ..."]
2. "... I was so tired and puffed out that I was grasping for breasts ..." [instead of ... "gasping for breath"]
3. "... Lot was pinching his tits ..." [Instead of "... pitching his tents." Click here to view the evidence]

How about you?

Have you heard any others?

I'd love to hear your comments ... :)

 

P.S. For some church bulletin bloopers, click here.

P.S.S. For some 'prophetic bloopers', click here.

Jesus is Watching You!

A burglar broke into a house, shining his torch around and looking for valuables.  He had just picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his torch and froze.

When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled  the stereo out, he heard: "Jesus is watching you."  Freaked out, he flashed his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot. 

 

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.  "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 

 

"Moses," replied the bird.  "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" ... and the bird said ... "The same kind that would name their Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

Funny Questions

A few funny questions to start off the week ...

1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
3. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
4. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
5. Why is the person who invests money for you called a "broker"?
6. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?
7. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
8. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. Can you cry under water?
11. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
12. Why is that people say they "sleep like a baby" when most babies wake up every two hours?
13. How do "please keep off the grass" signs get there?
14. What does the "K" in "K-Mart" actually stand for?

Have a terrific week!

Do Dogs Go to Heaven?

On a lighter note ... do you think dogs go to heaven?

Two churches in a southern USA town are fighting it out. You could call it a 'signs debate' between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church, which are right across the street from each other. 

From top to bottom you will see the response and counter-response over time ...

Are you feeling more Catholic or Presbyterian on this issue?

My Favourite Oxymorons

An oxymoron is a figure of speech that combines two contradictory terms, like 'controlled chaos', 'deafening silence', 'alone together', or 'second best'. Interestingly, the very word 'oxymoron' is an oxymoron itself because it comes from two Greek words: 'oxy' which means 'sharp' or 'pointed' and 'moros' which means 'dull'.

Here are a few of my favourites ... with apologies in advance for any potential offences :)

• Fun Run
• Country Music
• Military Intelligence
• United Nations
• Open Secret
• Black Light
• Ill Health
• Half Dead
• Pretty Ugly
• Microsoft Works
• Safety Hazard
• Jumbo Shrimp
• Same Difference

If you really want to get into oxymorons, check out this web site.

Some More Laughs ...

A few more ...

 

 

Some Laughs

Here are a few laughs that a friend sent me .... Enjoy!

 

The Husband Store

A friend (a woman!) sent me this ... you've gotta laugh ...

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
 
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! 
 
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
 
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
 
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
 
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: 
 
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
 
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
 
So she continues upward.. The third floor sign reads:
 
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
 
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
 
She goes to the fourth f loor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
 
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
 
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
 
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: 
 
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
 
PLEASE NOTE: 
 
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
 
The first floor has wives that love sex.
 
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
 
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Generation Y

The Silent Generation ... people born between 1925 and 1945.

The Baby Boomers ... people born between 1946 and 1964.

Generation X ... people born between 1965 and 1982.

Generation Y ... people born between 1983 and 1997.

Why do we call the last group of people Generation Y? I had no idea until I saw this caricaturist's explanation. Double click on the picure below. A picture is worth a thousand words ... :)

Christmas Humour

A funny Christmas story ...

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see … and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms Terri said. "But who’s the fourth person?"

"Oh, that’s Pontius – the Pilot!"

How the Stock Market Works

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.

"Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man, nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works!

[Source: Tony Scott on Crikey.com]

Faith, Hope, and Love ... from a Technical Arts Perspective

A few weeks back we had a gathering of our ArtwoRx ministry - all of the singers, musicians, audio, media, and drama team members of our church. Ian Moyes, who heads up our audio ministry, shared a creative twist on 1 Corinthians 13 - the supremacy of love - from a technical arts perspective. I hope you enjoy it ...

If I use the vocalisation waveforms of my facial resonance cavity but don’t have love, I am only an oscillating Q-curve shaped brass resonator.

If I have the gift of time-shifted data and can zero-in to single bit-depth magnification of phase-jittered information streams, and if I have a faith that can move earthen acoustic insulation and reflection mounds, but have not love, I am lower than zero bits.

If I burn my entire recording studio and all my musical instruments, but have not love, I have the volume of negative infinity decibels.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

But where there is time-shifted data, it will be erased; where there are vocalisation waveforms of facial resonance cavities, their waveforms will appear along the centre 0dB line; where there is single bit-depth magnification of phase-jittered information streams, they will be permanently unplugged.

For our waveforms are missing data and our information streams are corrupted, but when analogue waveforms with no noise or distortion come, the corrupted data disappears.

When I was a child, I performed like a child, I wrote songs like a child, I mixed sound like a child - I even engineered lights like a child. But when I became a man, I put childish ways behind me (sort of!).

Now we see a positive-voltage waveform distorted and polarity reversed; then we shall see the pure analogue waveform with no noise or distortion. Now I have but partial data; then I shall have the entire uninterrupted high density digital stream, even as my own personal recording data is rendered. (scary)

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Well done, Ian :)

Understanding the Economy

There is no doubt that the world economy has been in a bit of a turmoil of late with extreme volatility in things such as the value of the dollar, the share market, and property. 

Here's a humorous attempt to try to make some sense of it all ...

 

21 Economic Models Explained with Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away ...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Why Men are Happier Than Women

With our annual men's conference about to start, I thought some male/female humour would be a bit of fun for today's blog post.

Enjoy!

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Same work, more pay.

Wedding dress $5000. Tuxedo rental - $100.

One mood all the time.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness,

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You can do your Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Church - The Safest Place To Be

Did you know that being part of a church gathering is the safest place to be!

Statistics tell us:

1. Do NOT ride in automobiles: they cause 20% of all fatal accidents.

2. Do NOT travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all accidents happen on these.

3. Do NOT walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all accidents happen to pedestrians.

4. Do NOT stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the home.

5. Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are related to previous physical disorders.

Hence, the safest place for you to be at any time is church!

The lesson is: Spend more time in church! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!

Leadership Selection

TO JESUS, SON OF JOSEPH,

FROM THE JORDAN MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT FIRM

By Dr. Fred Mueller

Dear Sir,

We would like to thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you picked for management positions in your new organisation. All of them have taken our battery of test and each of them has had a personal interview with our psychologist and our vocational aptitude consultants. And it is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have a team concept. And we would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience and managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter, for example, is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership.

The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty.

Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that will definitely undermine the morale of your entire group.

We feel it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau.

And James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus definitely have radical leanings and they both register a high score in the manic depressive scale.

One of your candidates only, Jesus, however does show great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness. He meets people well, has a keen business mind, has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and responsible. We do recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right hand man. All the other profiles are self-explanatory. We wish you every success, Jesus, in your new venture.

[Author Unknown]

What if God Had Voice Mail?

We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But have you wondered, "What if God decided to install voice mail?"

Imagine praying and hearing this: "Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:

• Press 1 for requests
• Press 2 for thanksgiving
• Press 3 for complaints
• Press 4 for all other inquiries

What if God used the familiar excuse, "I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call God in prayer:

"If you would like to speak to ...

• Gabriel, Press 1
• For Michael, Press 2
• For a directory of other angels, Press 3
• If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding please press 4.
• To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her Tax File number, then press the pound key. (If you get a negative response, try area code 666)

"For reservations at My Father's House please enter J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6"

"For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's ark is, please wait until you arrive here."

"Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow."

"This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again Monday after 9:30 AM. If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local pastor."

Thank God He doesn't have voice mail and he listens when we pray!

[Author Unknown]

Christmas Humour

Little Johnny desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas. His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, but Johnny decided to go one better.

"Dear Jesus", he wrote. "If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won't fight with my brother Peter for a year." Then Johnny thought, "Oh, no, Peter is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise." So Johnny threw away the letter and started again.

"Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year." Then Johnny thought, "Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise."

Suddenly Johnny had an idea. He went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family's statue of the Virgin Mary (Johnny grew up in a Catholic family). Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspaper and stuffed it into a grocery bag. He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the farthest, darkest corner. He closed the closet door.

He then took a new sheet of paper and wrote, "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again ..."

[Source Unknown]

Women and Public Toilets

I'm not into toilet humour ... really! ... but I couldn't resist this one ... and my wife says that it's true.

Women and Public Toilets

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a queue of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you proceed in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch.

Basic Baptist Bathroom

Some humour for the day ... (with no offence intended to the Baptists!)

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply. :)

A Letter from Poor Grandma

Some humour for the day ... a letter from poor grandma ...

"The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a Honk If You Love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'for the love of God, GO! GO!'  What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Queensland back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach ...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and I gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!"

[Source Unknown]

Noah and the Ark

The recent movie Evan Almighty takes a humorous modern-day approach to the well known story of Noah building an ark in response to God's command.

Let's face it, Noah had quite a task! Of course if he was building in today's environment, it would be even more difficult.

Here's a funny parody ... enjoy!

Kid's Letters

You've got to love children. They have such a great sense of humour. No wondered Jesus loved them.

I love the story about Jesus and some children that is recorded in the Gospel of Mark (10:13-16) ... "One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could touch them and bless them, but the disciples told them not to bother him. But when Jesus saw what was happening, he was very displeased with his disciples. He said to them, 'Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I assure you, anyone who doesn't have their kind of faith will never get into the Kingdom of God.' Then he took the children into his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them." [NLT]

Here are a few of my favourite children's letters for your enjoyment ...

• "Dear God, In Sunday school they told us what you do. Who does it when you’re on holiday?" [Jane]
• "Dear God. Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?' [Lucy ]
• "Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don't you just keep the ones you got now?" [Mary]
• "Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy." [Joyce]
• "Dear God. Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother." [Larry]
• "Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions." [Ruth]
• "Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it." [Nancy]
• "Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea." [Donna]
• "Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister." [Arnold]
• "Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there." [Stephen]

[Source Unknown]

The BBQ Rules

Some gender-related humour ... for your enjoyment ...

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL .

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off'. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women ... "

[Source Unknown]

Prophetic Bloopers

At our church we believe in the ministry of prophecy. God still speaks today, not at the authoritative level of Scripture, but to bring strength, comfort and challenge to people's lives (see 1 Cor.14:3). Recently, we had a time of prophetic ministry over 250 of our church leaders and we've received many excellent reports about the positive impact that this had. We encourage each person to listen to the audio CD of the prophecies with someone, so that each prophetic word can be judged appropriately. The apostle Paul tells us not to treat prophecies lightly, but to test them – holding on to what is good and right, and letting the rest go (see 1 Thess.5:19-22).

On the humorous side, a friend of mine, Pastor Joseph Garlington, has collected a number of 'prophecy bloopers' over the years. I'm not sure how many of them actually took place, but they are a good laugh anyway. Here they are …

Anyone for Golf?

Did you hear about the two guys who went golfing ... the one guy hit the ball right down the middle of the fairway about 150 metres. He was so excited ... he had never been down the middle of the fairway in his life. He was so excited ... he got down to where his ball was and ... not only was it 150 metres down the fairway, it had rolled up on top of an ant hill. So it was teed up about 2 inches for him. So he grabs his wood, he is so excited. He's never been here before. He's never had this opportunity before. He takes that club (a 3 wood) and swings as hard as he can and he misses the ball. He kills 5000 ants in this ant hill.

He can't believe it - he killed 5000 ants, but the ball stayed on top of the ant hill. God must be in this - He wants me to hit a great shot. So he grabs his club and swings again, misses again and kills 4998 ants. Now there had been 10,000 ants in this ant hill and there were only 2 ants left.

And one ant looked at the other ant and said, "I tell you what, if we're going to survive, we had better get on the ball!!"

[Source: John Maxwell]

The Difference between a Chorus and a Hymn

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns." "Praise choruses", said his wife, "What are those?" "Oh, they're OK. They are sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer. "Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife. The farmer said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you, "Martha the cows are in the corn" - well that would be a hymn. If on the other hand, I were to say to you, "Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN." Then if I was to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that would be a praise chorus."

The next weekend, his nephew, a young, new Christian from the city came to visit and attended the local church of the small town. He went home and his mother asked him how it was. "Well," said the young man, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs." "Hymns," asked his mother, "What are those?" "Oh, they're OK. They are sort of like regular songs, only different," said the young man. "Well, what's the difference?" asked his mother. The young man said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you, "Martha, the cows are in the corn," - well, that would be a regular song. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

The Donkey

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quietened down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!