Humour

The world of politics has been a bit of a circus lately, especially in Australia, the UK and the USA. I saw this funny joke the other day, which has been floating around, and thought it was worth re-posting: Dad: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice." Son: "No!" Dad: "The girl is Bill Gate's daughter." Son: "Ok." Dad goes to Bill Gates. Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son." Bill Gates: "No!" Dad: "My son is the CEO of the World Bank." Bill Gates: "Ok." Dad goes to the President of the World Bank. Dad: "Please appoint my son as the CEO of your bank." President: "No!" Dad: "He is the son-in-law of Bill... Read more →


Did you hear the funny story about a 5 year old girl who thought Jesus was a Swede? This cute little girl was helping set the family table one Sunday near Christmas. She stopped for a moment and announced, “Jesus was a Swede.” More than a little surprised, her mum corrected her, “Oh, no, dear, Jesus was Jewish. I'll read it to you from the Bible after lunch.” Pensively, she laid out the silverware. Then her face brightened. “Mummy, I can prove it to you! We sang about it in children’s church this morning.” Triumphantly she sang, "Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his Swede head." Ah, the joys of Christmas... Read more →


iPads or portable computing devices seem to be all the rage nowadays. If you like technology, they can sure be a fun and beneficial device, enhancing our lives and work in amazing ways. I love this brief video clip (in German but easily understandable in any language) about a daughter asking her father how the new iPad she bought him for his birthday is going ... enjoy :) Play Video Read more →


To: Jesus, Son of Joseph Woodcrafter’s Carpenter Shop Nazareth 25922 From: Jordan Management Consultants Dear Sir: Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for managerial positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; and we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant. The profiles of all tests are included, and you will want to study each of them carefully. As part of our service, we make some general comments for your guidance, much as an auditor will include some general statements. This is given as a result of staff... Read more →


Here is a collection of humorous church bulletin bloopers (typographical errors) ... * Evening massage - 6 p.m. * Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help. * Thursday night ... pot luck supper. Prayer and medication will follow. * Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church. * For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs. * Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. * Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. * The Senior Choir... Read more →


Kid's Doctrine

How's this for some kid's doctrine, taken straight from Sunday School ... "The first book of the Bible is the book of geniuses in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree." "Noah’s wife’s name was Joan of Arc." "Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night." "Samson slayed the Philipines with the axe of the apostles." "Unleavened bread is bread that is made without ingredients." " Moses went to the top of Mount Sianide to get the 10 commandments and the seventh one is, 'Thou shalt not admit adultery'." "Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines." "Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption." "The people who followed... Read more →


This week we've been talking about Your Work, God's Work. Did you know that the average person today has 5-7 complete career changes in their life time? That's an average of 10 different jobs with an average of 4.1 years at each workplace. I sure help the average, having worked as a builder's renovator, a book binder, a printer, a music director, a youth pastor, a church administrator and now as a pastor for the last 18 years. Maybe you've had lots of changes in career too or maybe you're one of those people who stick at something for a long time. Just for a bit of fun, here are some unusual though highly paid jobs in demand here in... Read more →


What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts, and there would be peace on earth. But what they would have said when they left...? "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?" "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!" "Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?" "I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!" "And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!" "Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your... Read more →


So what's your favourite - cats or dogs? I grew up loving cats (especially kittens) but ended up having a number of dogs after getting married (my wife, Nicole, was allergic to our first cat!). Here's something funny my daughter just sent me ... A dog's daily diary: 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!... Read more →


Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyoneelse was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens... Read more →


For a bit of a laugh ... 3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven. Harold is His name. Amen.' A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put... Read more →


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer saw a car puttering along at 26 KPH. He thinks to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that there were five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back ... wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be... Read more →


A newly-hired travelling salesperson sent his first sales report to the home office. It stunned the management in the sales department because it was obvious that the new salesperson was ignorant and uneducated. This is what he wrote: "I seen this outfit which they ain't never bot a dim's worth of nothin from us and I sole them some goods. I'm now goin to Chicawgo." Before this man could be given the heave-ho by the sales manager, along came another report from Chicago: "I cum hear and sole them haff a millyon." Fearful if he did, and afraid if he didn't, fire the ignorant and uneducated salesperson, the sales manager dumped the problem in the lap of the president. The... Read more →


I found this on the internet the other day. It's a church joke with just a hint of exaggeration :) The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church cleaner. The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome. The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a... Read more →


On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span" The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"... Read more →


I turn 50 later this year and I must admit, I already have the occasional 'senior moment' (or mental lapse). Here is the funniest senior moment I have ever heard of. This is supposedly a true account recorded in the police log in Sarasota FL. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropper her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car! The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady,... Read more →


Being retarded is not something to laugh about … but this was actually reported by a school-teacher after the Christmas break. The teacher asked her young pupils how they
 spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore! They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have... Read more →


Irony is a form of humour that has been around for a long time. The dictionary defines "irony" as a "rhetorical device, literary technique or situation in which there is an incongruity or discordance that goes beyond the simple and evident meaning of words or actions." Maybe looking at a few signs will easier to explain. See below ... P.S. For those who are keen for more, check out the Friends of Irony web site. Read more →


A 1st grade school teacher had 26 students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom with the first of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic. 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr. 9. You can't teach... Read more →


Ideas usually cannot be imported without modification. The cultures and other aspects of leadership and management are different; therefore, that they fail without some modification shouldn't be surprising. Even adopting simple devices may cause problems. For example, traffic signals were invented in England, although the version used today was developed in the United States. Despite their successful use elsewhere, when traffic signals were introduced to Ireland, the Irish were so outraged that they actually rioted. Why? Because the red light was on top and the green light was on the bottom, and to the Irish, red is the color of Britain; green, Ireland. That red was placed over green infuriated many Irish people. The solution was to mount the traffic... Read more →


Here is a fun way to test your knowledge ... You need only 4 correct answers to pass. 1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below ...... Read more →


Check out this video clip from Worship House Media called 'God Pie.' We showed it last weekend at our church as we shared about the important topic of money. How easy it is for us to forget to honor God with our finances or to give him only our leftovers, if there are any. We must remember that God is the 'pie-maker.' All we have comes from him and we will be held accountable for how we use it. This requires us as his followers to get a good handle on our earnings, giving, savings and spending. Our money matters! May each one of us have both faith and wisdom and as we manage the resources God has entrusted to... Read more →


Here's a funny one about computers. You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to really understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those who sometimes get flustered by computers, please read on ... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO:... Read more →


Hey Aussies ... we need to lift our game. A recent study revealed that Australia is one of the dirtiest countries in the developing world when it comes to hygiene. In fact, our kitchens have a higher level of bacteria than our bathrooms! The Hygiene in the Home Study 2009 covered Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Australia, Germany, India, Malaysia, South Africa, Britain and America. Virology expert Prof John Oxford from the Hygiene Council says Australia has high levels of contamination in the kitchen. Kitchen cleaning cloths are the dirtiest item in the home, followed by the kitchen tap. The study found that toilet areas were relatively clean because they were considered important places to keep hygienic. Prof Oxford says Australia is... Read more →


When I was growing up as a kid, I loved cats and I never really took to dogs. My wife, Nicole, has always loved dogs and she never really took to cats. We got married and we bought an adorable little kitten that we fell in love with while window-shopping at a pet store (bad idea!). Unfortunately, Nicole got hay fever from it, so we gave it away to some friends. Since then, we've had a variety of dogs (German Shepherds, Terrier crosses, and others I couldn't name) - usually two at a time. I must admit, I've learned to like dogs. It's nice to know that they're ALWAYS glad to see you - even if their perpetual barking drives... Read more →


Okay, confession time ... I have had a few clangers - or bloopers, as most people call them - in my life as a public speaker. These are embarrassing moments when you get your words mixed up or say something that has a different meaning than you intended. Here are my Top 3 Bloopers - for your enjoyment: "The church is a living orgasm ..." [instead of "... a living organism ..."] "There were lots of people following Jebus, I mean Jesus ..." [no comment necessary] "A man came and did some staff training for us a few years back. He had three balls. He took them out and started juggling them ..." [no additional comment necessary] Yes, these were... Read more →


Jesus is Watching You!

A burglar broke into a house, shining his torch around and looking for valuables. He had just picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his torch and froze. When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out, he heard: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he flashed his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn... Read more →


A few funny questions to start off the week ... 1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? 2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 3. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 4. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? 5. Why is the person who invests money for you called a "broker"? 6. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"? 7. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? 8. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 10. Can you cry under water? 11. Why... Read more →


On a lighter note ... do you think dogs go to heaven? Two churches in a southern USA town are fighting it out. You could call it a 'signs debate' between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church, which are right across the street from each other. From top to bottom you will see the response and counter-response over time ... Are you feeling more Catholic or Presbyterian on this issue? What will the Presbyterians say next? Read more →