Humour

How Politics Works

BillThe world of politics has been a bit of a circus lately, especially in Australia, the UK and the USA.

I saw this funny joke the other day, which has been floating around, and thought it was worth re-posting:

Dad: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "No!"
Dad: "The girl is Bill Gate's daughter."
Son: "Ok."

Dad goes to Bill Gates.
Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates: "No!"
Dad: "My son is the CEO of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ok."

Dad goes to the President of the World Bank.
Dad: "Please appoint my son as the CEO of your bank."
President: "No!"
Dad: "He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates."
President: "OK."

That's politics for you!

 


Was Jesus a Swede?

Christmas-dinner-007Did you hear the funny story about a 5 year old girl who thought Jesus was a Swede?

This cute little girl was helping set the family table one Sunday near Christmas. She stopped for a moment and announced, “Jesus was a Swede.” More than a little surprised, her mum corrected her, “Oh, no, dear, Jesus was Jewish. I'll read it to you from the Bible after lunch.” Pensively, she laid out the silverware. Then her face brightened. “Mummy, I can prove it to you! We sang about it in children’s church this morning.” Triumphantly she sang, "Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his Swede head."

Ah, the joys of Christmas carol lyrics. They can be confusing some times :)


Is it worth buying an iPad?

IpiPads or portable computing devices seem to be all the rage nowadays. If you like technology, they can sure be a fun and beneficial device, enhancing our lives and work in amazing ways. 

I love this brief video clip (in German but easily understandable in any language) about a daughter asking her father how the new iPad she bought him for his birthday is going ... enjoy :)

Play Video


Jesus and Leadership Selection

JesusTo: Jesus, Son of Joseph
Woodcrafter’s Carpenter Shop
Nazareth 25922

From: Jordan Management Consultants

Dear Sir:

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for managerial positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; and we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.

The profiles of all tests are included, and you will want to study each of them carefully.

As part of our service, we make some general comments for your guidance, much as an auditor will include some general statements. This is given as a result of staff consultation, and comes without any additional fee.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew had been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau; James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic-depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind, and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious, and responsible. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man. All of the other profiles are self-explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture.

Sincerely,

Jordan Management Consultants

[Source unknown]

As J. Oswald Sanders once said, “When Jesus selected leaders, he ignored every popular idea of his day about what kind of person could fit the role. His disciples were untrained and seemingly without influence – a motley crew to bring about world change.” Jesus saw in them something that no one else did and under his skilful hand they emerged as leaders that would shock the world.


Church Bulletin Bloopers

BloopHere is a collection of humorous church bulletin bloopers (typographical errors) ...

* Evening massage - 6 p.m.

* Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

* Thursday night ... pot luck supper. Prayer and medication will follow.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

* At the evening service, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

* Tuesday at four there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the church basement Friday.

* The Reverend Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation.

* The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing,  ‘Break Forth Into Joy."

* Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

* Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.

* This morning’s sermon: “Jesus walks on the water”. Tonight’s sermon: “Where is Jesus?”

* During this morning’s meeting, be sure to smile and say hell to someone new.

* Ladies, don’t forget our rummage sale. Here’s a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping. Bring your husband along.

[Source Unknown]

 

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength." Prov 17:22. NLT


Kid's Doctrine

How's this for some kid's doctrine, taken straight from Sunday School ...

  • "The first book of the Bible is the book of geniuses in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."
  • "Noah’s wife’s name was Joan of Arc."
  • "Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night."
  • "Samson slayed the Philipines with the axe of the apostles."
  • "Unleavened bread is bread that is made without ingredients."
  • " Moses went to the top of Mount Sianide to get the 10 commandments and the seventh one is, 'Thou shalt not admit adultery'."
  • "Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."
  • "Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption."
  • "The people who followed Jesus were the 12 decibels."
  • "The epistles were the wives of the apostles."
  • "A Christian should only have one wife. That’s called monotony."

"Out of the mouths of babes ..."

[Source Unknown]Kids


Work Trivia + Some Unusual Jobs in Demand

CareerThis week we've been talking about Your Work, God's Work.

Did you know that the average person today has 5-7 complete career changes in their life time? That's an average of 10 different jobs with an average of 4.1 years at each workplace. 

I sure help the average, having worked as a builder's renovator, a book binder, a printer, a music director, a youth pastor, a church administrator and now as a pastor for the last 18 years.

Maybe you've had lots of changes in career too or maybe you're one of those people who stick at something for a long time.

Just for a bit of fun, here are some unusual though highly paid jobs in demand here in Australia:

1. Senior Submarine Cook. When the Royal Australian Navy advertised that it was willing to pay up to $200,000 for senior submarine cooks, it attracted worldwide media attention. It seems that there aren’t too many individuals with the cooking skills and organisational ability to produce morale-boosting food in a cramped galley.

2. Shark Tagger. Those tags that allow marine biologists to track the movements of great white sharks don’t magically attach themselves. If you’re willing to haul a shark onto a boat and help with the surgical implantation of a tracking device before throwing it back in the water, you probably won’t find yourself competing for jobs with too many others.

3. Island Caretaker. Love the ocean, and want to live a permanent holiday life? This job requires one to explore islands, and discover areas for exploitation. One will require some basic skills, like carpentry, plumbing, communication skills etc, in-order to help the Island achieve its recreational potential.

4. Crime Scene Cleaner. Ever wondered what happens after all the dirty work has been done at a crime scene and who cleans up the mess? Crime scene cleaners do it, though they need the stomach for it, due to the emotionally challenging nature of the job.

5. Fortune Cookie Writer. If you have a creative mind and imagination, you can earn good money with this job too.

Anyway, it doesn't hurt to daydream occasionally. Maybe you need a new job OR maybe you need to go to your current job as a new person ... with a new perspective. Any plain old job or task can become a calling or a vocation IF we see ourselves as sent on a mission by Someone important. Your Work, God's Work - you're on a mission from God. Go to it! 


What if the Three Wise Men Were Women?

WomenWhat would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? 
  • They would have asked directions, 
  • arrived on time, 
  • helped deliver the baby, 
  • cleaned the stable, 
  • made a casserole, 
  • and brought practical gifts, and
  • there would be peace on earth.
But what they would have said when they left...? 
  • "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?" 
  • "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!" 
  • "Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?" 
  • "I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!" 
  • "And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!" 
  • "Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?"
[Source Unknown]

Cats or Dogs?

DosSo what's your favourite - cats or dogs? I grew up loving cats (especially kittens) but ended up having a number of dogs after getting married (my wife, Nicole, was allergic to our first cat!). Here's something funny my daughter just sent me ...

A dog's daily diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

In contrast, here is a cat's diary on Day 983 of captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Dogs! 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

Meow!


Skipping Church

GolfFather Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyoneelse was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin. Dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"


Kids in Church

KidFor a bit of a laugh ...

3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven. Harold is His name. Amen.' 

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." 

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, 
and I wanted to stay with you guys." 

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." 

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." 

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan , you be Jesus!' 

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" 

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" 


5 Old Ladies

189 Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer saw a car puttering along at 26 KPH. He thinks to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he noticed that there were five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back ... wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ... the old woman said a bit proudly. The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle then explained to her that 26 is the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asked. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."


The Travelling Salesperson

Sales A newly-hired travelling salesperson sent his first sales report to the home office. It stunned the management in the sales department because it was obvious that the new salesperson was ignorant and uneducated. This is what he wrote:

"I seen this outfit which they ain't never bot a dim's worth of nothin from us and I sole them some goods. I'm now goin to Chicawgo."

Before this man could be given the heave-ho by the sales manager, along came another report from Chicago:

"I cum hear and sole them haff a millyon."

Fearful if he did, and afraid if he didn't, fire the ignorant and uneducated salesperson, the sales manager dumped the problem in the lap of the president. The following morning, the ivory-towered sales department members were amazed to read a company-wide message from the president:

"We ben spendin two much time trying to spel instead off trying to sel. Let's watch those sails. I want everyone should read these reports from Gooch who is on the rode doin a grate job for us and you should go out and do like he done." 

Obviously, any sales manager would prefer a salesperson who can both sell and spell - however, there's no substitute for getting results. 

[Story from John Maxwell's book Developing the Leader Within You, p.26-27]


The Perfect Pastor


Perfect pastor I found this on the internet the other day. It's a church joke with just a hint of exaggeration :)

The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church cleaner.

The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.

The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And he is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

The Perfect Pastor is always in the next town over!

If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their pastor too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of your list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1,643 pastors. One of them should be perfect.

Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its' old pastor back in less than three months.


An Explanation of Life

Monkey On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span"

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed..

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjo y your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.


A Classic Senior Moment

Senior I turn 50 later this year and I must admit, I already have the occasional 'senior moment' (or mental lapse). Here is the funniest senior moment I have ever heard of. This is supposedly a true account recorded in the police log in Sarasota FL.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropper her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then realised why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Morale of the story? If youre going to have a senior momentmake it memorable.


Retarded Grandparents

Images-23 Being retarded is not something to laugh about … but this was actually reported by a school-teacher after the Christmas break. The teacher asked her young pupils how they
 spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. 
At their gate, there is a doll-house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! 
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. 
And they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. 
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Priceless!


Irony

Irony is a form of humour that has been around for a long time. The dictionary defines "irony" as a "rhetorical device, literary technique or situation in which there is an incongruity or discordance that goes beyond the simple and evident meaning of words or actions."

Maybe looking at a few signs will easier to explain. See below ... 

Singapore Gate Bird

P.S. Fish For those who are keen for more, check out the Friends of Irony web site. 

 


Well-Known Proverbs ...

Kids A 1st grade school teacher had 26 students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom with the first of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

 

While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic.

1.  Don't change horses until they stop running.

2.  Strike while the bug is close.

3.  It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.

4.  Never underestimate the power of termites.

5.  You can lead a horse to water but How?

6.  Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

7.  No news is impossible

8.  A miss is as good as a Mr.

9.  You can't teach an old dog new Math

10.  If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.

11.  Love all, trust Me.

12.  The pen is mightier than the pigs..

13.  An idle mind is the best way to relax.

14.  Where there's smoke there's pollution.

15.  Happy the bride who gets all the presents.

16.  A penny saved is not much.

17.  Two's company, three's the Musketeers.

18.  Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.

19.  Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.

20.  There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.

21.  Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.

22.  If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

23.  You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

25.  A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one ...

26.  Better late than Pregnant

 

[Source: Rowland Croucher]


Implementing Change

Traffic lights Ideas usually cannot be imported without modification. The cultures and other aspects of leadership and management are different; therefore, that they fail without some modification shouldn't be surprising. Even adopting simple devices may cause problems.

For example, traffic signals were invented in England, although the version used today was developed in the United States. Despite their successful use elsewhere, when traffic signals were introduced to Ireland, the Irish were so outraged that they actually rioted.

Why? Because the red light was on top and the green light was on the bottom, and to the Irish, red is the color of Britain; green, Ireland. That red was placed over green infuriated many Irish people. The solution was to mount the traffic lights horizontally.

[Source: Drucker on Leadership by William A. Cohen]


Test Your Knowledge

IQ Here is a fun way to test your knowledge ... You need only 4 correct answers to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The  Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ...

Continue reading "Test Your Knowledge" »


God Pie

God Pie Check out this video clip from Worship House Media called 'God Pie.' We showed it last weekend at our church as we shared about the important topic of money. How easy it is for us to forget to honor God with our finances or to give him only our leftovers, if there are any. We must remember that God is the 'pie-maker.' All we have comes from him and we will be held accountable for how we use it. This requires us as his followers to get a good handle on our earnings, giving, savings and spending. Our money matters! May each one of us have both faith and wisdom and as we manage the resources God has entrusted to us [Full message summary here].

Computers

AbottHere's a funny one about computers.

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to really understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those who sometimes get flustered by computers, please read on ... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:


Continue reading "Computers" »


Dirty Kitchens ..

Kitchen Hey Aussies ... we need to lift our game. A recent study revealed that Australia is one of the dirtiest countries in the developing world when it comes to hygiene. In fact, our kitchens have a higher level of bacteria than our bathrooms!

The Hygiene in the Home Study 2009 covered Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Australia, Germany, India, Malaysia, South Africa, Britain and America. Virology expert Prof John Oxford from the Hygiene Council says Australia has high levels of contamination in the kitchen. Kitchen cleaning cloths are the dirtiest item in the home, followed by the kitchen tap. The study found that toilet areas were relatively clean because they were considered important places to keep hygienic.

Prof Oxford says Australia is at the top of the league in regard to kitchens because 95 percent of cloths and 80 percent of taps contained high levels of bacteria. The study showed that only India and Malaysia were worse than Australia when it came to contamination.

What's up with this?


Dogs - a Man's Best Friend?

Dog When I was growing up as a kid, I loved cats and I never really took to dogs.

My wife, Nicole, has always loved dogs and she never really took to cats.

We got married and we bought an adorable little kitten that we fell in love with while window-shopping at a pet store (bad idea!). Unfortunately, Nicole got hay fever from it, so we gave it away to some friends.

Since then, we've had a variety of dogs (German Shepherds, Terrier crosses, and others I couldn't name) - usually two at a time. I must admit, I've learned to like dogs. It's nice to know that they're ALWAYS glad to see you - even if their perpetual barking drives you crazy some times.

We have two little dogs at the moment and one of them sleeps on our bed down by our feet. Her name is Tash and she thinks she runs the house. If I move my feet into her space, she growls. But life could be worse. I am a happy man.

I saw a video clip the other day with all sorts of dogs in it doing funny things. It was worth posting - so click here to watch and have a good laugh (or download the file here). It's called 'Psycho Dogs'!

Dogs - a man's best friend?


Preaching Bloopers

Bloopers Okay, confession time ... I have had a few clangers - or bloopers, as most people call them - in my life as a public speaker. These are embarrassing moments when you get your words mixed up or say something that has a different meaning than you intended.

Here are my Top 3 Bloopers - for your enjoyment:

  1. "The church is a living orgasm ..." [instead of "... a living organism ..."]
  2. "There were lots of people following Jebus, I mean Jesus ..." [no comment necessary]
  3. "A man came and did some staff training for us a few years back. He had three balls. He took them out and started juggling them ..." [no additional comment necessary]

Yes, these were very embarrassing moments!

Here are a few other bloopers that I have heard, made by other people (whose name I will protect):

  1. "... the diery farts of the wicked one ..." [instead of "... the fiery darts of the wicked one ..."]
  2. "... I was so tired and puffed out that I was grasping for breasts ..." [instead of ... "gasping for breath"]
  3. "... Lot was pinching his tits ..." [Instead of "... pitching his tents." Click here to view the evidence]

How about you?

Have you heard any others?

I'd love to hear your comments ... :)

 

P.S. For some church bulletin bloopers, click here.

P.S.S. For some 'prophetic bloopers', click here.


Jesus is Watching You!

A burglar broke into a house, shining his torch around and looking for valuables.  He had just picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his torch and froze.

When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled  the stereo out, he heard: "Jesus is watching you."  Freaked out, he flashed his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot. 

 

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.  "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 

 

"Moses," replied the bird.  "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" ... and the bird said ... "The same kind that would name their Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"


Funny Questions

Question A few funny questions to start off the week ...

1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
3. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
4. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
5. Why is the person who invests money for you called a "broker"?
6. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?
7. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
8. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. Can you cry under water?
11. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
12. Why is that people say they "sleep like a baby" when most babies wake up every two hours?
13. How do "please keep off the grass" signs get there?
14. What does the "K" in "K-Mart" actually stand for?

Have a terrific week!


Do Dogs Go to Heaven?

On a lighter note ... do you think dogs go to heaven?

Two churches in a southern USA town are fighting it out. You could call it a 'signs debate' between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church, which are right across the street from each other. 

From top to bottom you will see the response and counter-response over time ...

Are you feeling more Catholic or Presbyterian on this issue?

Continue reading "Do Dogs Go to Heaven?" »