Mark Conner's Space

Kids in Church

For a bit of a laugh ...

3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven. Harold is His name. Amen.' 

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." 

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, 
and I wanted to stay with you guys." 

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." 

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." 

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan , you be Jesus!' 

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" 

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" 

5 Old Ladies

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer saw a car puttering along at 26 KPH. He thinks to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he noticed that there were five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back ... wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ... the old woman said a bit proudly. The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle then explained to her that 26 is the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asked. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

The Travelling Salesperson

A newly-hired travelling salesperson sent his first sales report to the home office. It stunned the management in the sales department because it was obvious that the new salesperson was ignorant and uneducated. This is what he wrote:

"I seen this outfit which they ain't never bot a dim's worth of nothin from us and I sole them some goods. I'm now goin to Chicawgo."

Before this man could be given the heave-ho by the sales manager, along came another report from Chicago:

"I cum hear and sole them haff a millyon."

Fearful if he did, and afraid if he didn't, fire the ignorant and uneducated salesperson, the sales manager dumped the problem in the lap of the president. The following morning, the ivory-towered sales department members were amazed to read a company-wide message from the president:

"We ben spendin two much time trying to spel instead off trying to sel. Let's watch those sails. I want everyone should read these reports from Gooch who is on the rode doin a grate job for us and you should go out and do like he done." 

Obviously, any sales manager would prefer a salesperson who can both sell and spell - however, there's no substitute for getting results. 

[Story from John Maxwell's book Developing the Leader Within You, p.26-27]

The Perfect Pastor

I found this on the internet the other day. It's a church joke with just a hint of exaggeration :)

The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church cleaner.

The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.

The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And he is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

The Perfect Pastor is always in the next town over!

If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their pastor too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of your list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1,643 pastors. One of them should be perfect.

Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its' old pastor back in less than three months.

An Explanation of Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span"

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed..

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjo y your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

A Classic Senior Moment

I turn 50 later this year and I must admit, I already have the occasional 'senior moment' (or mental lapse). Here is the funniest senior moment I have ever heard of. This is supposedly a true account recorded in the police log in Sarasota FL.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropper her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then realised why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Morale of the story? If youre going to have a senior momentmake it memorable.

Retarded Grandparents

Being retarded is not something to laugh about … but this was actually reported by a school-teacher after the Christmas break. The teacher asked her young pupils how they
 spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. 
At their gate, there is a doll-house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! 
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. 
And they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. 
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Priceless!

Irony

Irony is a form of humour that has been around for a long time. The dictionary defines "irony" as a "rhetorical device, literary technique or situation in which there is an incongruity or discordance that goes beyond the simple and evident meaning of words or actions."

Maybe looking at a few signs will easier to explain. See below ... 

P.S. For those who are keen for more, check out the Friends of Irony web site. 

 

Well-Known Proverbs ...

A 1st grade school teacher had 26 students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom with the first of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

 

While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic.

1.  Don't change horses until they stop running.

2.  Strike while the bug is close.

3.  It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.

4.  Never underestimate the power of termites.

5.  You can lead a horse to water but How?

6.  Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

7.  No news is impossible

8.  A miss is as good as a Mr.

9.  You can't teach an old dog new Math

10.  If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.

11.  Love all, trust Me.

12.  The pen is mightier than the pigs..

13.  An idle mind is the best way to relax.

14.  Where there's smoke there's pollution.

15.  Happy the bride who gets all the presents.

16.  A penny saved is not much.

17.  Two's company, three's the Musketeers.

18.  Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.

19.  Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.

20.  There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.

21.  Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.

22.  If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

23.  You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

25.  A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one ...

26.  Better late than Pregnant

 

[Source: Rowland Croucher]

Implementing Change

Ideas usually cannot be imported without modification. The cultures and other aspects of leadership and management are different; therefore, that they fail without some modification shouldn't be surprising. Even adopting simple devices may cause problems.

For example, traffic signals were invented in England, although the version used today was developed in the United States. Despite their successful use elsewhere, when traffic signals were introduced to Ireland, the Irish were so outraged that they actually rioted.

Why? Because the red light was on top and the green light was on the bottom, and to the Irish, red is the color of Britain; green, Ireland. That red was placed over green infuriated many Irish people. The solution was to mount the traffic lights horizontally.

[Source: Drucker on Leadership by William A. Cohen]

Test Your Knowledge

Here is a fun way to test your knowledge ... You need only 4 correct answers to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The  Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ...

God Pie

Check out this video clip from Worship House Media called 'God Pie.' We showed it last weekend at our church as we shared about the important topic of money. How easy it is for us to forget to honor God with our finances or to give him only our leftovers, if there are any. We must remember that God is the 'pie-maker.' All we have comes from him and we will be held accountable for how we use it. This requires us as his followers to get a good handle on our earnings, giving, savings and spending. Our money matters! May each one of us have both faith and wisdom and as we manage the resources God has entrusted to us [Full message summary here].

Computers

Here's a funny one about computers.

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to really understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those who sometimes get flustered by computers, please read on ... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

Dirty Kitchens ..

Hey Aussies ... we need to lift our game. A recent study revealed that Australia is one of the dirtiest countries in the developing world when it comes to hygiene. In fact, our kitchens have a higher level of bacteria than our bathrooms!

The Hygiene in the Home Study 2009 covered Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Australia, Germany, India, Malaysia, South Africa, Britain and America. Virology expert Prof John Oxford from the Hygiene Council says Australia has high levels of contamination in the kitchen. Kitchen cleaning cloths are the dirtiest item in the home, followed by the kitchen tap. The study found that toilet areas were relatively clean because they were considered important places to keep hygienic.

Prof Oxford says Australia is at the top of the league in regard to kitchens because 95 percent of cloths and 80 percent of taps contained high levels of bacteria. The study showed that only India and Malaysia were worse than Australia when it came to contamination.

What's up with this?

Dogs - a Man's Best Friend?

When I was growing up as a kid, I loved cats and I never really took to dogs.

My wife, Nicole, has always loved dogs and she never really took to cats.

We got married and we bought an adorable little kitten that we fell in love with while window-shopping at a pet store (bad idea!). Unfortunately, Nicole got hay fever from it, so we gave it away to some friends.

Since then, we've had a variety of dogs (German Shepherds, Terrier crosses, and others I couldn't name) - usually two at a time. I must admit, I've learned to like dogs. It's nice to know that they're ALWAYS glad to see you - even if their perpetual barking drives you crazy some times.

We have two little dogs at the moment and one of them sleeps on our bed down by our feet. Her name is Tash and she thinks she runs the house. If I move my feet into her space, she growls. But life could be worse. I am a happy man.

I saw a video clip the other day with all sorts of dogs in it doing funny things. It was worth posting - so click here to watch and have a good laugh (or download the file here). It's called 'Psycho Dogs'!

Dogs - a man's best friend?

Preaching Bloopers

Okay, confession time ... I have had a few clangers - or bloopers, as most people call them - in my life as a public speaker. These are embarrassing moments when you get your words mixed up or say something that has a different meaning than you intended.

Here are my Top 3 Bloopers - for your enjoyment:

1. "The church is a living orgasm ..." [instead of "... a living organism ..."]
2. "There were lots of people following Jebus, I mean Jesus ..." [no comment necessary]
3. "A man came and did some staff training for us a few years back. He had three balls. He took them out and started juggling them ..." [no additional comment necessary]

Yes, these were very embarrassing moments!

Here are a few other bloopers that I have heard, made by other people (whose name I will protect):

1. "... the diery farts of the wicked one ..." [instead of "... the fiery darts of the wicked one ..."]
2. "... I was so tired and puffed out that I was grasping for breasts ..." [instead of ... "gasping for breath"]
3. "... Lot was pinching his tits ..." [Instead of "... pitching his tents." Click here to view the evidence]

How about you?

Have you heard any others?

I'd love to hear your comments ... :)

 

P.S. For some church bulletin bloopers, click here.

P.S.S. For some 'prophetic bloopers', click here.

Jesus is Watching You!

A burglar broke into a house, shining his torch around and looking for valuables.  He had just picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his torch and froze.

When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled  the stereo out, he heard: "Jesus is watching you."  Freaked out, he flashed his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot. 

 

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.  "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 

 

"Moses," replied the bird.  "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" ... and the bird said ... "The same kind that would name their Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

Funny Questions

A few funny questions to start off the week ...

1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
3. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
4. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
5. Why is the person who invests money for you called a "broker"?
6. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?
7. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
8. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. Can you cry under water?
11. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
12. Why is that people say they "sleep like a baby" when most babies wake up every two hours?
13. How do "please keep off the grass" signs get there?
14. What does the "K" in "K-Mart" actually stand for?

Have a terrific week!

Do Dogs Go to Heaven?

On a lighter note ... do you think dogs go to heaven?

Two churches in a southern USA town are fighting it out. You could call it a 'signs debate' between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church, which are right across the street from each other. 

From top to bottom you will see the response and counter-response over time ...

Are you feeling more Catholic or Presbyterian on this issue?

My Favourite Oxymorons

An oxymoron is a figure of speech that combines two contradictory terms, like 'controlled chaos', 'deafening silence', 'alone together', or 'second best'. Interestingly, the very word 'oxymoron' is an oxymoron itself because it comes from two Greek words: 'oxy' which means 'sharp' or 'pointed' and 'moros' which means 'dull'.

Here are a few of my favourites ... with apologies in advance for any potential offences :)

• Fun Run
• Country Music
• Military Intelligence
• United Nations
• Open Secret
• Black Light
• Ill Health
• Half Dead
• Pretty Ugly
• Microsoft Works
• Safety Hazard
• Jumbo Shrimp
• Same Difference

If you really want to get into oxymorons, check out this web site.

Some More Laughs ...

A few more ...

 

 

Some Laughs

Here are a few laughs that a friend sent me .... Enjoy!

 

The Husband Store

A friend (a woman!) sent me this ... you've gotta laugh ...

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
 
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! 
 
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
 
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
 
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
 
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: 
 
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
 
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
 
So she continues upward.. The third floor sign reads:
 
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
 
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
 
She goes to the fourth f loor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
 
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
 
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
 
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: 
 
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
 
PLEASE NOTE: 
 
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
 
The first floor has wives that love sex.
 
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
 
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Generation Y

The Silent Generation ... people born between 1925 and 1945.

The Baby Boomers ... people born between 1946 and 1964.

Generation X ... people born between 1965 and 1982.

Generation Y ... people born between 1983 and 1997.

Why do we call the last group of people Generation Y? I had no idea until I saw this caricaturist's explanation. Double click on the picure below. A picture is worth a thousand words ... :)

Christmas Humour

A funny Christmas story ...

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see … and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms Terri said. "But who’s the fourth person?"

"Oh, that’s Pontius – the Pilot!"

How the Stock Market Works

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.

"Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man, nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works!

[Source: Tony Scott on Crikey.com]

Faith, Hope, and Love ... from a Technical Arts Perspective

A few weeks back we had a gathering of our ArtwoRx ministry - all of the singers, musicians, audio, media, and drama team members of our church. Ian Moyes, who heads up our audio ministry, shared a creative twist on 1 Corinthians 13 - the supremacy of love - from a technical arts perspective. I hope you enjoy it ...

If I use the vocalisation waveforms of my facial resonance cavity but don’t have love, I am only an oscillating Q-curve shaped brass resonator.

If I have the gift of time-shifted data and can zero-in to single bit-depth magnification of phase-jittered information streams, and if I have a faith that can move earthen acoustic insulation and reflection mounds, but have not love, I am lower than zero bits.

If I burn my entire recording studio and all my musical instruments, but have not love, I have the volume of negative infinity decibels.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

But where there is time-shifted data, it will be erased; where there are vocalisation waveforms of facial resonance cavities, their waveforms will appear along the centre 0dB line; where there is single bit-depth magnification of phase-jittered information streams, they will be permanently unplugged.

For our waveforms are missing data and our information streams are corrupted, but when analogue waveforms with no noise or distortion come, the corrupted data disappears.

When I was a child, I performed like a child, I wrote songs like a child, I mixed sound like a child - I even engineered lights like a child. But when I became a man, I put childish ways behind me (sort of!).

Now we see a positive-voltage waveform distorted and polarity reversed; then we shall see the pure analogue waveform with no noise or distortion. Now I have but partial data; then I shall have the entire uninterrupted high density digital stream, even as my own personal recording data is rendered. (scary)

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Well done, Ian :)

Understanding the Economy

There is no doubt that the world economy has been in a bit of a turmoil of late with extreme volatility in things such as the value of the dollar, the share market, and property. 

Here's a humorous attempt to try to make some sense of it all ...

 

21 Economic Models Explained with Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away ...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Why Men are Happier Than Women

With our annual men's conference about to start, I thought some male/female humour would be a bit of fun for today's blog post.

Enjoy!

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Same work, more pay.

Wedding dress $5000. Tuxedo rental - $100.

One mood all the time.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness,

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You can do your Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Church - The Safest Place To Be

Did you know that being part of a church gathering is the safest place to be!

Statistics tell us:

1. Do NOT ride in automobiles: they cause 20% of all fatal accidents.

2. Do NOT travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all accidents happen on these.

3. Do NOT walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all accidents happen to pedestrians.

4. Do NOT stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the home.

5. Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are related to previous physical disorders.

Hence, the safest place for you to be at any time is church!

The lesson is: Spend more time in church! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!

Leadership Selection

TO JESUS, SON OF JOSEPH,

FROM THE JORDAN MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT FIRM

By Dr. Fred Mueller

Dear Sir,

We would like to thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you picked for management positions in your new organisation. All of them have taken our battery of test and each of them has had a personal interview with our psychologist and our vocational aptitude consultants. And it is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have a team concept. And we would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience and managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter, for example, is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership.

The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty.

Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that will definitely undermine the morale of your entire group.

We feel it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau.

And James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus definitely have radical leanings and they both register a high score in the manic depressive scale.

One of your candidates only, Jesus, however does show great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness. He meets people well, has a keen business mind, has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and responsible. We do recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right hand man. All the other profiles are self-explanatory. We wish you every success, Jesus, in your new venture.

[Author Unknown]