Mark Conner's Space

Marriage God's Way (Pt.1)

Better Relationships

We're currently doing a series of messages at our weekend church gatherings based on Paul's letter to the Ephesians. This weekend we picked up some of Paul's thoughts for better relationships. These are often referred to as the ‘household codes.’ Paul addresses husbands and wives (Eph.5:21-33), parents and children (Eph.6:1-4), and finally masters and slaves (Eph.6:5-9). Just prior to this Paul noted that God calls us to live life carefully, knowing his will and making the most of every opportunity. We are not to get drunk with wine but we are to be continually filled with the Spirit. Paul describes the results of the Spirit-filled life as people whose lives are marked by singing, thankfulness, and mutual submission (Eph.5:15-20). Positioning ourselves to be continually filled with the Spirit is crucial to building the kind of loving relationships that God’s desires for us. Without the Spirit’s power and enablement we can easily degenerate into our old habits patterns of relating from a self-centred perspective.

Mutual Submission

Paul begins this section on relationships with a call for all believers to submit to one another (Eph.5:21). We are all called to self-giving love and humility modelled by Jesus himself. We are to consider others better than ourselves and to look to other people’s interests, seeking to serve them in any way we can (Gal.5:13. Phil.2:3-4. Rom.12:10). All believers are to place themselves under others in the spirit of humility. Unfortunately, for many the very word ‘submit’ implies a passive and weak approach to life. However, neither Jesus nor Paul was a weak person but they did choose to treat other people with respect and love. The call to mutual submission is the context for all that Paul says about marriage, parenting, and relationships between masters and slaves.

Marriage in the First Century

The society that Paul lived in was completely patriarchal (dominated by men). It was a terrible time for women as they were viewed as being inferior to men and were given relatively little freedom. They received minimal education, could not be witnesses in a court of law, had less economic independence, could not adopt children or make a contract, and typically were kept from public life. When girls married (usually between age twelve and sixteen), they were expected to take the religion of their husbands. They were either under their father’s, their husband’s, or some other male relative’s authority all their lives. Roman law gave husbands complete authority over their wives, who were in many ways seen as the husband’s possession.

Into this environment, where the devaluation of women was the cultural norm, the Christian faith brought amazingly good news for women through the gospel of the kingdom. Jesus allowed women to be his disciples, they were the first witnesses of his resurrection and were sent to proclaim to the men that he had risen, they received the outpouring of the Spirit on the day of Pentecost, they were given spiritual gifts to serve the church, and they ministered and led within the church community (it should be noted that any restrictions placed on women ministering in the early church were temporary and they were given within dysfunctional church communities, whereas in healthy environments, ministry was based on gifting and godliness, not gender). In fact, Paul boldly declared that, because of Christ, gender distinctions, though still existing, were no longer grounds for prejudice or discrimination with the community of faith (Gal.3:28).

Can you imagine the potential uproar that this new freedom for women may have caused within society at that time? Paul’s concern was always for the credibility and the advance of the gospel (see Titus 2:5). Interestingly, he didn’t attack or seek to overthrow the structures of how society worked in his time. For instance, he didn’t seek to abolish slavery, overthrow dictatorial Roman government, or overturn a patriarchal approach to relationships. His focus was primarily on how Christians should live out their faith with the context in which they found themselves (see Eph.6:5-9, Rom.13:1-7 and Eph.5:21-33). However, he did give his greatest challenges to the ones with the most power in that culture – husbands, parents, and masters. He pushed them towards love, kindness and consideration because of the grace that is in Christ Jesus.

Because Paul wrote at a time when wives were expected to submit to their husbands (in the same way that slaves were expected to obey their masters), he affirmed that arrangement (Eph.5:22-24, 33) but balanced it with a reminder to husbands that they were to always act in love, which would have directly affected the way that they expressed their authority (Eph.5:25-33). He also redefined the man’s leadership as being that of a servant who acts with self-giving love like Christ. Interestingly, Paul’s directions to the wives to submit and to the husbands to love are instructions given to all Christians as to how they should act towards each other.

[Tomorrow - Marriage Today]

Lessons from the World’s Greatest Dad (Pt.2)

3. Instruct Clearly

Father God does not leave us to figure out life by ourselves. He gives us clear instructions about every area of life and explains why his way is full of wisdom (Gen.2:15-17. Deut 30:11-20). God's words are contained in the Scriptures and they present his will and best wishes for our life. They are for our good – our ultimate benefit – not because he wants to take the fun or enjoyment out of life (2 Tim.3:16-17).

As parents, we are to instruct our children in God's way of living (Eph.6:4). We are to make our expectations clear as well as the consequences. Then we need to be consistent in following through. Instruction may be a regular structured family devotion time or it may simply be impromptu conversations as a family does life together. Often that's more powerful, as teaching takes place in the context of life's experiences (Deut.6:1-9).

Children do not respond to rules alone. They respond to relationships. You can get your children to behave by enforcing the rules but that doesn't mean you're getting their loving and obedient response. They may obey on the surface but beneath their may be anger, fear or frustration. Josh McDowell says, "Rules without relationships lead to rebellion."

One of the most powerful forms of instruction is our example – our modelling of the things we expect from our children. Kids tend to do what they see, not just what we tell them they should do. Are our lives worth imitating?

4. Discipline Lovingly

Father God is not just a loving forgiving God who is so soft that never deals with our disobedience. Because he loves us he also disciplines us when we need it (Heb.12:4-12). The Bible is filled with stories of God's children and how they were blessed when they obeyed their Father and the consequences they faced when they disobeyed God's commands.

Great dads take responsibility to lovingly discipline their children. Types of discipline change as children grow and vary for each situation. Discipline should be for defiance (intentional direct disobedience) but not for childishness. Always follow through promptly. Empty threats teach children that they can ignore warnings. Communicate the reason for the discipline. Discipline in love, not in anger. Control your emotions. There is a distinction between crushing the spirit (abuse) and shaping the will (discipline). Don't favour one child over another. Most importantly, apologise when you get it wrong.

5. Empower Fully

God the Father is not a controlling father. He is a releasing Father who wants his children to grow up and take responsibility for their lives. He desires to empower us to full maturity and to join him in his work on planet earth. We see this with Adam and Eve. He gave them a mandate to take dominion over the earth and to be responsible to populate it with their offspring.

As children grow and become teenagers and then young adults we as parents must empower them more and more - to make their own decisions and to be responsible for their lives. The degree of empowerment is determined by the maturity of the son or daughter. You're not going to let a two year old mow the lawns alone and of course, you hopefully aren't going to be still brushing the teeth of your thirteen year old daughter.

As parents, we are responsible to raise our children and teach them God's ways but as they grow and come of age they are responsible for their own choices and we have to release them to that responsibility. This doesn't mean that we don't care, or pray or seek to influence, but we have to gradually let them go (not too soon or not too late). This also means that we should not take inappropriate guilt upon ourselves as parents if our children make unwise choices. There are a lot of parents who feel that they are failures because their children are not serving God or have made unwise choices in their lives. If that's true then God the Father is a failure because his first kids blew it badly. As parents we must empower our children fully – then pray, trust God and believe that the seeds we have planted will bear good fruit in due time.

A final thought ... "A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove ... but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child."

Dads, you're important!

Lessons from the World’s Greatest Dad (Pt.1)

It's that time of year when we honour all the dads – Father's Day. Let's talk about fathering and who better to learn from that the greatest father of all time. No, not me – Father God.

The God of the Bible has revealed himself as one God existing in three persons - the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. We have the opportunity to be "born again" spiritually into God's family. God wants to be our Father and we can be his children (John 1:12-13. Rom.8:13-17. Gal.4:4-7. 1 John 3:1-2). With the breakdown of marriages and family relationships today, we often develop a marred concept of fatherhood. All natural fathers often fail in accurately presenting the character and nature of God. But no matter what our natural family situation may have been God wants to be a perfect spiritual Father to each of us as his children.

What do great fathers do? There are many things but here are 5 important habits of every father.

1. Love Unconditionally

Our Father God is a God of love. Genuine love is not merely an emotion but a choice to act in the best interests of another person. God's love toward us is his desire for our ultimate good. What's amazing about God's love for us is that it is not based on our performance or any specific conditions we have to meet. In fact, he chooses to love us despite of our sin and our weakness (Rom.5:8-11). He is quick to forgive us when we humbly confess our sins. He is patient, long-suffering and slow to anger.

As dads we need to take a loving stance towards our children no matter what they do. Our love for them is based on the fact that they are ours. We must beware of creating a "performance based" environment that causes our children to be uncertain of our love and as a result always seeking our approval.

2. Affirm Frequently

God the Father expresses his love in a variety of ways, once of which is affirmation or encouragement (Matt.3:16-17; 17:5). On a daily basis, Jesus knew and experienced his Father's love and affirmation. He was always speaking about his Father and was able to stand against strong opposition and criticism because he knew he was doing his Father's will.

Great dads affirm and encourage your children as people – not just for what they can or can't do. Our words are very powerful (Prov.18:21. Eph.4:29-32). Don't approach parenting with the goal of correcting, disciplining and keeping your children in line. Look for where you can sincerely praise, compliment and encourage your kids. Notice and approve of what they do right. Then you can correct mistakes in a positive climate rather than continually pointing out what they're doing wrong. We all thrive under encouragement. Praise is a motivator for proper behaviour.

[Cont'd tomorrow ...]

Aussie Men are the Least Desirable Husbands!

A recent study conducted by Oxford University revealed that Australian men are the least desirable husbands when it comes to housework and helping with the children. With Aussie men, it seems that their passion for beer and sport takes precedence over doing the washing up. Aussie men are still perceived as being Steve Irwin and Crocodile Dundee types for whom a kitchen is largely unexplored and dangerous terrain. For single women, this only reinforces the old joke - ‘You start off sinking into his arms, then you end up with your arms in his sink.’

My fellow Aussie mates, we have work to do! This is an appalling result. We can do much better than this.

The report reveals that Swedish men make ideal husbands – not because of their Viking good looks, but because they are most likely to help with the housework.

The study, led by economist Dr Almudena Sevilla Sanz, set out to find the countries with the highest proportion of egalitarian men – those who have no problem strapping on an apron and doing their fair share of the housework.

Click here to read an article about this in the Sydney Morning Herald.

A Family Plan

Ministry Today Magazine recently publishing an excellent article by Rob Rienow called 'The Family Plan.' Ron is the family pastor at Wheaton Bible Church in Wheaton, Ill., and the co-founder of Visionary Parenting, which equips churches to build biblical family ministries.

A few excerpts:

1. Evangelism and discipleship are in crisis in Western countries such as the USA - and it's a generational crisis. Although more than ever is being done to equip adults to share Christ with their friends at work and in their neighborhoods, we're losing the souls of millions of our own children. For the last 100 years, we have been losing more of our own children to the world than we have been winning adult converts to faith in Christ. Europe was the greatest Christian continent 100 years ago. Now, out of 728 million people, only 2-4% know Jesus. How could this happen? Christianity literally died off as generation after generation failed to win the souls of their children. The same is happen in the West.

2. The natural instinct is to look to the church and try to find another program to solve the problem. But first of all it is a crisis of the Christian family. Christian parents have stopped discipling their own children and adopted a model of 'delegation parenting' - hoping someone else will do it for them (possibly the Christian school, the church, or the local youth group).

3. Family discipleship is taught throughout the Bible. Parents are to take the primary responsibility for the evangelism and spiritual formation of their own children. Parents are to pass on their faith to their children through their life and their words (see Deuteronomy 6:5-6). Children are to be brought up by parents "in the training and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4)."

4. The family is the most powerful discipleship small group ever devised, where spiritual growth happens in th context of relationships, where people 'do life together,' and where true authenticity can potentially be found every minute of the day.

6. Churches need to inspire and equip these family disciplehip centres to fulfill their mission. God's promises are for us and ur children (Acts 2:28-29).

Thought-provoking stuff ...

How can the church do a better job of equipping parents in their important ministry to their own children?

Understanding Your Father

We've been talking about fathers over the last few days, in light of Father's Day coming up this weekend. Unfortunately, when it comes to dads, the news is not all good. Steve Biddulph, in his best-selling book Manhood, estimates that:

• 30% of men don’t speak to their father.
• 30% have a prickly or hostile and difficult relationship.
• 30% go through the motions of being a good son and discuss nothing deeper than lawnmowers.
• 10% of men are friends with their father and see them as a source of emotional support.

Those are sad statistics!

In an ideal world, we need to feel love and respect for our fathers and also receive love and respect back from them. However, maybe your relationship with your dad is not a good one. Either way, we have to come to grips with who our father is (or was), especially as men. A man’s masculinity, unconsciously and whether he likes it or not, is often based on his father’s masculinity. Your father’s mannerisms, tendencies, and even words are a part of you and are likely to emerge at any time (“like father, like son”). Who your father was matters. You must come to terms with him, his life, and why he was the way he was.

Biddulph suggests that every man has a serious conversation with his father. Find out about his childhood, his life story, his work, his decisions, and what was going on when he raised you. Find out the truth and don’t be judgmental. Break down the defenses. Get the story straight. It’s important to say, “Thanks”. Your dad may feel like he never “got it right”.

A Good Father

 Dads, your kids need you and its never to late to start being a better father. Fathering is a vital, honorable, and essential part of the fabric of human life.

In his book Five Signs of a Loving Family, author Gary Chapmanoutlines a few signs of a good father. Here they are:

1. A good father is active in his fathering. He actively seeks to be involved in his child’s life and initiates such involvement. Don't leave it to chance.

2. A good father makes time to be with his children. He doesn’t give them the leftovers. Don't spend time with your children out of a sense of guilt or obligation, but because it feeds your soul and is a job you are proud of doing well. Where we spend out time is a reflection of our priorities - what is important to us.

3. A good father engages his children in conversation. He builds intimacy through two-way communication. Share your life with your children and ask them good questions about what is happening in their world.

4. A good father plays with his children. He creates laughter, fun, and pleasure.

5. A good father teaches his values. He teaches about what is important in life. Train your child in the way he or she should go (Proverbs 22:6). This involves modeling values and character to your children. Discipline your children lovingly when necessary. Don’t be a wimpish father who leaves the discipline to the mother or worse yet, undermines her discipline. Be an equal partner in discipline. If a father is doing his bit, the mother relaxes, feels supported, and is less cold and harsh as a result. Get involved!

6. A good father provides for and protects his children.

7. A good father loves his children unconditionally. Boys and girls need affirmation and admiration from their fathers. They needs lots of encouragement - it's like oxygen to the soul. They also need forgiveness when they fail. Treat them with respect. Honour and value them. Treat them as precious.

Dads, we need you!

Happy Father's Day!

This coming Sunday is Father's Day here in Australia, a time to honour all of the dads.

Here are a few interesting quotes about dads:

• "Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." [Exodus 20:12. NLT]

• "A wise child brings joy to a father; a foolish child brings grief to a mother." [Proverbs 10:1. NLT]

• "So give your father and mother joy! May she who gave you birth be happy." [Proverbs 23:25. NLT]

• "Look, I am sending you the prophet Elijah before the great and dreadful day of the Lord arrives. His preaching will turn the hearts of fathers to their children, and the hearts of children to their fathers. Otherwise I will come and strike the land with a curse." [Malachi 4:5-6]

• "A good father is one of the most unsung, un-praised, unnoticed, and yet one of the most valuable assets in our society." [Billy Graham]

• "Any man can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a dad." [Anne Geddes]

• "Fathers, like mothers, are not born. Men grow into fathers - and fathering is a very important stage in their development." [David M. Gottesman]

• "By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong." [Charles Wadworth]

• "Don't make a baby if you can't be a father." [National Urban League Slogan]

• "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." [Mark Twain]

Happy Father's day to all of the dads!

Divorce and Remarriage

Unfortunately, around one third of all marriages end in divorce. That's a sad statistic for our generation. More sad is the hurt and pain that families go through when relationships are fractured and broken. Thankfully, God cares and he can bring healing and restoration.

Divorce is clearly not God's will, though at times he does allow it. In fact, in Old Testament times, God himself divorced Israel after repeated efforts to restore the relationship.

Currently, the Board of Elders at our church and reviewing our policy on separation, divorce, and remarriage. This is a complex and sensitive issue, especially when you're dealing with people's lives and endeavouring to remain true to the intentions God has for relationships.

Jesus permitted the possibility of divorce in the case of sexual sin by one party. Paul seems to add desertion (abandonment) as another legitimate grounds for divorce. Most churches support these two reasons for a possible divorce, while some also allow it in serious cases of abuse, believing that abuse is a violation of the marriage covenant. Each local church has to grapple with the issues and come up with a policy that is rooted in the standards God has laid out in his Word.

For those interested is doing some further study on this issue, interacting with the various views, here are a variety of resources you might find helpful:

1. Divorce and Remarriage: Four Christian Views.
2. Remarriage After Divorce in Today's Church: 3 Views
3. Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible: The Social and Literary Context by David Instone-Brewer
4. Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities by David Instone-Brewer 
5. Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage by Kevin J. Conner
6. Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible by Jay E. Adams

As always, prevention is better than cure. Helping people prepare well for marriage and assisting existing marriages to build stronger bonds needs to be a focus of each Christian community. When relationships break down, forgiveness and reconciliation needs to pursued. When things are beyond repair, there are always inevitable difficult consequences. A balance between grace and truth must always be sought. When facing the women caught in adultery, Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you (grace) ... go and sin no more (truth)."

Love for a Lifetime - Building a Great Marriage (Pt.6)

Today we will look at the fifth key to building a great marriage ...

5. Grow Together Spiritually

As followers of Christ, Nicole and I have found that our relationship with God is a vital part of us reaching the fullest potential of our marriage relationship. After all, intimacy has a spiritual dimension to it.

Spiritual vitality makes a difference when it comes to the quality and sustainability of any marriage. Lack of a quality spiritual life is often at the root of most relational problems. Here are some interesting statistics:

• 1  out of 3 marriages end in divorce.
• 1 out of 50 marriages end in divorce if the couple had a church wedding.
• 1 out of 105 marriages end in divorce if the couple attend church regularly.
• 1 out of 1105 marriages end in divorce if the couple attend church regularly and have family devotions.

Making God the centre of your marriage and family makes a big difference. The writer to the book Ecclesiastes says that “a three-fold strand is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). We see marriage as an intertwining of ourselves and God. Life is difficult at times and we easily get drained. God is the continual supply of love, grace and wisdom that we need.

Nicole and I also have a sense of common kingdom purpose. We exist to serve God and his church together. There is a sense of destiny on our lives that we are very aware of and that we take seriously.

Finally, we must not be ignorant of the spiritual warfare dimension to marriage. There is a God and there is a devil. We have an enemy whose desire is to break up relationships, especially marriages. Ed Silvoso, a pastor from Argentina, says, “Destroying a marriage is a higher priority than destroying children because of the domino effect.” Yes, there are forces are arrayed against you. We must be on guard and vigilant in our faith and our relationships.

How is the spiritual dimension of your marriage? Do you involve God in your marriage relationship, including your decisions? Have you prayed together lately (see 1 Peter 3:7)?

If you are married, my prayer for you today is that your marriage will become the very best it can be. If you aren't married, remember that singleness is no way inferior to marriage. Jesus was a single yet he lived a joyful and fulfilled life. You can too! If you've had a broken marriage, my prayer is that God will help bring healing to your heart and help you make a fresh start, learning from your past experiences.

Love for a Lifetime - Building a Great Marriage (Pt.5)

Today we mve on to look at the fourth key key to building a great marriage which is …

4. Effective Conflict Resolution

Everyone has arguments, conflicts, crisis and problems. We sure have … lots of them! The outcome either hurts the relationship or helps it. It’s what we do about our problems that is most important. After all, marriages with the biggest problems don't necessarily break up. It's the way you respond to problems that determines the future of the relationship.

Problems or crisis confront every relationship and no one enjoys them, but strong families are able to respond to the problem in a constructive way - to see some positive element in even the most difficult situations. Problems cause strong relationships to pull together rather than be pulled apart, as they develop trust and a greater reliance on each other. Discuss your differences and pray together.

When facing an unresolved conflict, here are a few good questions to consider:

• What is the main issue causing the conflict?
• When would be the best time to discuss it?
• Have we listened to each other’s perspective?
• What possible solutions can we think of?
• Which solution should we try first?

Admit it when you are wrong. Repent first and forgive first, like Jesus did. This is your responsibility. Take the first step. Anger gets us in trouble but it is pride that keeps us there and creates barriers. Never go to bed angry. You will get angry … but handle it constructively. Don't use it as a weapon and don't hold on to it (see Ephesians 4:26-32).

Love for a Lifetime - Building a Great Marriage (P.4)

So far, we're looked at friendship and partnership as two keys to a great marriage.

Today, we'll look at the third key to building a great marriage which is ….

3. Good Communication

Someone once said, “Marriage is one long conversation, with an occasional disagreement along the way.” A good marriage requires continual quality communication with each other. When communication breaks down, so do marriages.

Good communication is essential to a successful marriage. A leading marriage counselor says that 50% of divorces result from poor communication.

There are different levels of communication: clichés, facts, ideas and opinions, feelings and emotions, and then complete trust and openness. Develop and foster intimacy, warmth and openness. Be tender, easily spoken to, and approachable. Openness leads to greater intimacy. Share your deepest feelings, hopes and fears. Communication is the key to understanding and understanding is the key to intimacy. Talk about everything. Be open and honest with each other.

How is communication in your marriage? Are you still talking and listening to each other? How could you improve your communication this week?

P.S. For some additional thoughts on communication see my blog posts on Listen, Good Listening and Controlled Speaking.

 

Love for a Lifetime - Building a Great Marriage (Pt.3)

Yesterday we looked at the importance of building your marriage on a foundation of friendship. In the best marriages, the husband and wife are best friends - for a lifetime.

Today, I would like to share with you what I think is the second key to building a great marriage ...

2. Partnership

Nicole and I are not only friends, we see ourselves as 'partners' in life and ministry.

Understanding the role of the husband and the wife is very important. Genesis 1-2 tells us the story of how things were in the beginning – according to God’s original design. Unfortunately, a lot of people read into the text their own opinions or traditions. As a result, there are a lot of misunderstandings about what the Bible teaches about this subject.

Some people even see women as being inferior or at least subordinate to men. Here are some of the arguments:

• “The woman was created second. Man was made first, so is therefore superior." In actual fact, this argument is flawed as man was created after the animals. Are they superior? If you take this logic, then the woman was the crowning of God’s creation! In reality, both man and woman were created in God’s image and the man was incomplete without the woman, who also bears the image of God.

• “The women were created as a helper for Adam.” In Genesis 2:18, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” So what’s a ‘helper’? Someone to do the cooking, ironing and cleaning? Are women created to be some kind of a support system for men, who are the superior gender? The context indicates that the word “helper” refers to an equal counterpart. A better translation that more accurately captures the sense of the original Hebrew is picked up by the New English Bible, which says, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will provide a partner for him.” Adam needed a partner or a ‘helper’. This term, used 21 times in the Old Testament, is not a servant term describing someone ‘helping around the house’. It is a term of strength that in no way implies inferiority or subordination. It is used 2 times about women and 15 times about God.

• “The woman’s existence comes from the man.” Does the fact that woman was taken from man’s side indicate inferiority? No. Although woman was created from the man, she too was the creation of God. Adam’s exclamation at the sight of Eve shows his recognition that she was an equal partner compatible with him (Genesis 2:23). Adam said to Eve, “You are bone of my bones (internal) and flesh of my flesh (external)”. Adam’s first impression of Eve was oneness. "We’re built the same!" Again, however the argument is futile. Adam was created from the earth so does that make man inferior to the soil? Of course not!

Love for a Lifetime - Building a Great Marriage (Pt.2)

A great wedding doesn't make a great marriage. A great marriage is something that is built over time - patiently and intentionally.

I think there are five things that build a great marriage. Let's look at the first today ...

1. Friendship

In Genesis 1, the reason God created Eve was to be a friend or a partner for Adam. He was alone and needing relationship with someone compatible to him. When I first met Nicole, the thing that I first thought was that I could enjoy spending the rest of my life with her (at least my life wouldn’t be boring!). We became friends and have built a marriage around our friendship. We are still best friends and we really enjoy being with each other.

Like any friendship, a marriage friendship takes times and effort. It is essential that you keep growing together. Marriage is not a snapshot (a photo). It’s a moving picture (a movie). If one partner outgrows or grows in a different direction than the other, this will cause problems. Suddenly it can feel like the person that you're married to is not the same person you married.

A marriage left to itself will most likely deteriorate. You need to make huge intentional investments in your relationship on a regular basis. This doesn’t just happen. As in all of life, you usually reap what you sow. Like any good friendship, marriage needs regular large doses of genuine love, acceptance, and special times together. However, these are investments well worth making!

If you're married, how is your friendship going? What could you do to make it better this week?

Love for a Lifetime - Building a Great Marriage (Pt.1)

This weekend, Nicole and I celebrate our 22nd wedding anniversary.

Nicole and I met in Rockhampton, Queensland in December 1984. My good friend, Peter Leigh, and I were travelling to Townsville on holidays and stopped by to visit some friends we knew from a small church there. On the weekend, we went four wheel driving with some of the young people, including Nicole. We had lots of fun and a huge mud fight!

Nicole moved to Melbourne a few months later and we began going out the next week. We were engaged 10 months later and married 6 months after that, on June 21st, 1986.

We are very happily married and enjoying our friendship more than ever.

Over the next few days, I'll share a few keys that I think can help to build a great marriage ...

The Grass Will Grow

I first heard this story in a sermon by Tony Campolo. It never fails to bring a tear to my eye ...

"There was once a little boy named Mike. When he just was a toddler, he wanted a sand box and his mother said, 'That’ll be good', but his father said, 'There goes the back yard. There’ll be sand all over the place and it will kill the grass.' The little boy’s mother smiled and said back, 'The grass will grow back.'

When Mike was 5 he wanted a jungle gym that would enable him to climb into the sky and swings that would take his breath away. His father said, 'If we put that thing in the back yard, every kid in the neighbourhood will be over here. They’ll run back and forth, back and forth and they’ll kill the grass.' Mike’s mother smiled and said, 'The grass will grow back.'

Between breaths as he was blowing up the plastic swimming pool, Mike’s father said, 'You know what? They’re going to condemn this place and make it into a missile site. You won’t be able to take the garbage out without coming back with mud up to your neck. It’s going to kill the grass.' And Mike’s mother smiled and said, 'The grass will grow back.'

When Mike was 12, he volunteered his yard for a campout. When the neighbourhood boys drilled the spikes into the ground and stomped around with their big feet, Mike’s father looked out the window and said, 'Why don’t I just save myself the trouble and put the grass seed in cereal bowls ... I know, I know, the grass will grow back.'

The basketball hoop on the side of the garage drew a bigger crowd than the summer Olympics. The barren spot under the hoop got larger and larger until it encompassed the whole side yard. And just when it looked as though new grass was going to take root, winter came, snow fell, and sled runners beat the grass into the ground. Mike’s father said, 'Lord, I never asked for much in this life, just a few crummy blades of grass.' Mike’s mother smiled and said, 'The grass will grow back.'

... Well the grass this year was beautiful. It rolled out like a carpet, like a green sponge out along the driveway where bicycles once fell, out along the flowerbeds where little boys once dug with tea spoons, but Mike’s father never saw the grass. Instead his eyes were lifted beyond the yard and he said with a catch in his voice, 'He will come back, he will come back, he will come back, won’t he?'

Parenting Teenagers

You may or may not have a teenager in your life right now but these years are often stereo-typed by rebellion and relational difficulties. This can cause a lot of parents to experience a great deal of fear as their children approach the teenage years.  

Nicole and I are the proud parents of three teenagers – aged 19, 17 and 15.  We can honestly say that we have enjoyed the teenage years as much as any of our years of parenting. Obviously, they haven’t been without their challenges, but then all relationships need work and wisdom.

Last year, Nicole led a panel of parents for a special presentation on Parenting Teenagers.

Here is a brief summary of the advice that emerged …

Some Wisdom for Parents

Becoming a parent is pretty easy. Learning to parent well takes a lot of time and effort. After all, kids don't arrive with instructions! Thankfully, God's Word and other experienced people offer us some helpful guidance. Here are a few wise and encouraging words for reflection, if you are a parent ...

• "Then Jesus took the children into his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them." [Mark 10:16. NLT]
• "Rules without relationships lead to rebellion." [Josh McDowell]
• "People do what people see." [John Maxwell]
• "You can con a con, you can fool a fool, but you can't kid a kid." [Josh McDowell]
• "When it comes to parenting, love is spelt T-I-M-E."
• "Parents are prone to give their children everything except the one thing they need most. That is time: time for listening, time for understanding, time for helping and time for guiding. It sounds simple, but in reality, it is the most difficult and the most sacrificial task of parenthood." [Emma Hulburt]

Schooling Choices

Well, the 2008 school year is not far away. It doesn't seem that long ago when Nicole and I were talking about schooling options for our toddlers. At that time we managed to get a hold of a book called Schooling Choices edited by Dr. Wayne House which outlined various arguments for (1) home schooling, (2) Christian schooling, and (3) government schooling - from three different authors, who then interacted with each other's viewpoint. We found the dialogue very interesting and informative.

Our children are now 18, 16 and 14 years of age. We ended up doing a little home schooling in our children's early years, then sending them to a Christian school for most of their primary schooling. For their last few years of high school we have made use of government and Catholic schools. This is mainly because of the 'fish bowl' that they lived in, being pastor's kids and attending church, youth group and Christian school all on the same campus. We found that involvement in a different school in their latter years has been very helpful and has actually helped to strenghten their personal faith.

Ultimately, each child is unique and parents need to prayerfully consider the needs, interests and maturity of their child, as well as all of the vailable options before making their decision.

Happy schooling!

Mark Conner